The Ministry of Secret Jokes self-help series continues with Instructional Video #2: How To Keep A Secret. This was originally shown at last night’s Ministry of Secret Jokes live show at Fergie’s Pub, hosted by Doogie Horner.

WARNING: This video is Not Safe For Work and contains some graphic nature, so people with queasy stomachs beware!

RELATED:
Last month at the live show at Fergie’s Pub, we learned how to dress mysteriously.

At tonight’s installment of MINISTRY OF SECRET JOKES, Doogie Horner’s monthly show at Fergie’s (1214 Sansom, FREE, 9PM), famed comic actor Dom DeLuise will be honored by way of a roast. Also, Pete Kuempel, Blake Wexler, Kent Haines, Animosity Pierre, and Amir Gollan are set to perform stand-up comedy and Omniana champ Aaron Hertzog will defend his title against Joey “Barely Legal” Dougherty.

Below are some kind words from Kurt Reynolds about the man, the myth, the legend that is Dom DeLuise.

Rainbows are Memories
In the first scene of the Muppet Movie, Dom DeLuise played a Hollywood agent lost in the bayou, who discovered Kermit the Frog playing the banjo and singing the Rainbow Connection. Dom told Kermit that he could be a big star if he moved to Hollywood. Kermit took his advice, and after many hair-raising adventures finally arrived in Hollywood. Since then Kermit has become a world famous star who has touched the hearts and lives of millions.

More on that story later.

Dom DeLuise is a Golden Globe-nominated television actor, director, and comedian who has starred in such movies as Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run Two, Smokey and the Bandit, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs, and of course, All Dogs Go to Heaven.

The list of Dom DeLuise’s many other credits would be too long to fit in this small program, but no list of his accomplishments would convey Mr. DeLuise’s true legacy.

Like a wayward Hollywood agent in the bayou, Dom DeLuise traveled deep into the black, despairing pits of our souls. There were alligators there, and mosquitos, and brackish, rising water that threatened to drown our hopes and dreams. But there was a brave little singing frog in there too. Dom found him and said, “Sing your song so everyone can hear it.” Dom found the Rainbow Connection in each of us: the lovers, the dreamers, and you.

—Burt Reynolds

Comic Vs. Audience is proud to present every Wednesday, LIFE OF LETTERS, a new twelve-part comic strip series by David Terruso of the local sketch group Animosity Pierre.
Check back next Wednesday for episode #3!

The Sony original web series THAT GUY starring local comedian Kent Haines continues. In this latest episode, That Guy goes to the gym.

The Grand Opera House in Wilmington, Delaware will hold a comedy competition on September 19th at 7PM. The first 25 comics/groups that apply by e-mailing inthespotlight@grandopera.org will perform.

Secret Pants‘ web video Bush or Batman is sweeping the globe as we speak, getting linked at a bunch of places and killing it on Digg.

The new National Lampoon Comedy House held the preliminary round of their “Make Us Laugh: Give Us Your Best Joke” open-mike comedy contest this Tuesday the 22nd and the finale is set for October.

Already the new club has already created some fever, be it on the Internet. According to the Philadelphia Magazine blog, “going out to see stand-up just isn’t something that ranks too high on most of our lists.” Uh, ok. [Via Shecky Magazine]

The Sixth Borough have been introducing you to the neighborhoods of Philadelphia starting with East Falls and Mount Airy. Info is also up about their Fringe show, “World Crisis”.

More Fringe news: on Tuesday, September 9th, Don Montrey will host The Unofficial Late Night Cabaret, a night of comedy and other business at The Khyber. No word on the lineup yet, but we hear it’s going to be big time.

The whole Fringe schedule is up here with details on live performances by Illegal Refill, The N Crowd, Rare Bird Show, Meg & Rob, the highly anticipated Walking Fish Theatre 24 Hour Comedy Marathon and more. We’ll have our essential and comprehensive guide to comedy at the Philadelphia Fringe Festival up in a few weeks.

Remember: whenever you see someone wearing the Groucho glasses and mustache or anything else funny, let us know at comicvsaudience AT gmail DOT com.

Things just seem to happen to Gregg Gethard. After telling a few stories at comedy shows in New York City, he created his own monthly show in Philly, BEDTIME STORIES, to tell a few more. Over the past year the show has grown in audience and features some of the best comics in the city. The next installment of Bedtime Stories will be August 13th.

When Gregg isn’t creating controversies here, he’s writing for the Madison Square Garden blog.

Have I earned the title of The Most Controversial Man in Philadelphia Comedy? This was certainly never a goal of mine, being a non-confrontational puss and all that, but I’ll take awards I can get.

So, what makes me so scandalous? Let’s have a recap!

We Want The Airwaves
This is the tale of the impact WFMU 91.1, the coolest radio station in the world, has had on my life. Namely, it’s how I got severely grounded as a high school freshman for a barage of phone calls made to ‘Aerial View’, a talk show hosted by Chris T. My prank phone call campaign ended when someone from WFMU called my house and told my mom what I had been doing.

Years later, my brother informed me that he was told the phone called was made by none other than Chris T. himself. I thought my brother told me Chris T. revealed this information personally, as my brother is someone who knows someone. And on top of calling my house, it was told to my brother that my mom’s conversation was recorded and played on the air.

I, however, was slightly wrong. My brother was not told by Chris T. in person. Instead, he was told by one of his bosses who thought he heard it from Chris T. So, I heard this information fourth-hand yet still wrote about it in a public forum.

My story prompted a response from Chris T. himself, who denied such actions and cast the blame on Gerard Cosloy, the part-time owner of premier indie rock label Matador Records as well as the man behind the fantastic sports blog Can’t Stop The Bleeding.

“I wish I could say this story is true but it’s not. Since Gregg posted this entry I’ve gotten a few e-mails asking if I have an aircheck of this show and for the life of me couldn’t remember EVER calling a listener’s mother – even a crank caller’s mother.

As much as I’d like to take credit for that, I just confirmed with Ken Freedman, WFMU’s General Manager, that it was actually Gerard Cosloy – future record executive – who phoned Gregg’s Mom and recorded the call, later playing it on the air. Gerard had filled in for me on “Aerial View” (not “An Aerial View”) a bunch of times and I suppose had gotten fed up with the cranks (I just hung up on them and kept going – acknowledging a crank is the worst thing you can do).

Gerard was suspended for that stunt, since it was a big no-no to pull listener phone numbers off the Caller ID and an even BIGGER no-no to tape someone without his or her permission and play it on the air.

According to Ken, it was a great show, the one where Gerard finally came into his own on the air. As Ken says, ‘Too bad it was his last’.”

Cosloy then responded to Chris. T’s statement:

“I hate to take issue with Chris T. — – a person I greatly admire and one of my own heroes in broadcast (Deborah Norville finishing a close second), but some portions of this story are incorrect.

It is true that I filled in for Chris on “Aerial View” on at least one occasion, and it is also true that I tangled with some prank-y calls on said show.

While I did indeed reveal one of the prankster’s numbers (via the auspices of caller ID), I neither called their mother nor tape recorded any phone call. I only gave out said number over the air after warning them that’s just what I’d do if they kept calling.

Later, I was told by station management the caller’s parents were getting calls from other listeners in the middle of the night, and they’d threatened to contact the FCC (!) over this violation of their privacy.

I was suspended for a month.

Much as I appreciate Ken Freedman’s 2nd hand praise, I’ll submit that my own program had no shortage of listeners and I had “come into my own” (hands? hat? condom?) several years prior.

My stint subbing for Chris T. was not my last show on WFMU. I did at least 2 more episodes of my own program after my suspension, at which point I quit the station.

I did, however, return several years later and did a number of mid-week fill-in shows for various WFMU dj’s.

Finally, I take exception to Chris’ description of me as a “future record executive”. At the time of my WFMU suspension, my day job at co-owner/moaner of Matador Records was exactly the same as it is today. It’s kind of a romantic notion that ratting out Chris’ profane listeners was the launching pad to an even bigger gig in the entertainment business, but it simply wasn’t the case.

best wishes,
Gerard Cosloy”

My reactions: Holy fucking shit do I rule! First, I knew a response from someone tied to WFMU was possible. But a response from Gerard Cosloy? I would rank Pavement somewhere around 6th or 7th as my all-time favorite band. I spent an entire two years of college (junior and senior years) listening to all of their releases, even Wowee Zowee.

Also, Ken Freedman hearing about this tale also rules. Ken Freedman is a legend for his involvement at WFMU. He also hosts a show with the creator of Monk and former SNL writer Andy Breckman (and wrote the legendary “White Like Me sketch” with Eddy Murphy) called Seven Second Delay which is really awesome. (It is unknown if fellow Monk writer Tom Scharpling, the host of The Best Show on WFMU, aka the funniest thing going on today, has read my story.)

But no, my phone number was NOT given out on the air. If that happened to me, my parents would have forced me into an attic crawlspace for the rest of adolescence. This MAY have happened to my partner-in-bad-prank-phone-calling-crime Justin, but I do not remember for sure. And there’s no way I can confirm this information as Justin, now either 30 or 31, plays in a variety of death metal bands.

My next controversy came from the post entitled “My Top Five Presidents,” done in conjunction with the American History Bedtime Stories. The controversy came when I discussed the life of the likely homosexual Samuel Tilden, the Democratic opponent of Rutherford B. Hayes, who won the presidency via the infamous Compromise of 1877.

This comment was written by author Nikki Oldaker:

“Tilden was NOT a closeted homosexual…just because he never slept with a woman doesn’t make him Gay…Nikki Oldaker, Author”

In turn, after doing extensive (and psychotic) research on Ms. Oldaker, I discovered her book was self-published and at one time she ran for Congress. I wrote my own response to Ms. Oldaker, which follows:

“Calling yourself an author when you self-published your book ruins your credibility. I can call myself a writer since I’ve actually been paid to write on subjects which other people have published. You’re not an author. You own a publishing company and published your own material. That’s the equivalent of writing a poem, photocopying it a bunch of times, handing it out at a bus station and claiming to be a poet.

Did you have your facts checked by an independent source? Did you even have an editor review your work? How much did you rely on Wikipedia for your research? Do you have any background at all as a historian?

The answer to that is no, according to the biography on your website for your Senate campaign. You worked at a beauty salon, at a hotel, as an auditor (most likely uncertified), a “WEB” publisher and as a “screen writer/producer.”

According to the summary of your book on Amazon, you write about how he won by over 264,000 votes. This is true. But so what? We have an electoral college which is what really matters. If you focused solely on the popular vote then you are misrepresenting the facts of the story.

Also, in the summary you cast the blame of The Compromise of 1877 on a NY Times editor and the Republican Party. The Democrats were just as complicit in the affair. Casting blame on one political party shows a gross bias.

Uhm, never sleeping with a woman but not being out probably means he was closeted.

I quote historian James Fisher.

“Samuel Tilden was either asexual, or he was the first gay man to run for president.”

Also, “gay” shouldn’t be capitalized and you use elipses too much.

I’m guessing you probably hate the modern day Republican party and are using your views of today to criticize an event with happened two centuries ago with an entirely different political climate. That’s like comparing apples and oranges and, frankly, anyone writing about history should know better.

Have fun pitching your work to C-Span’s “Book TV.” And I also wish you luck trying to turn your book into a feature film.

But from the facts I have learned about you (and your awful grammar) and from what little I can ascertain about the book, it seems like it’s absolute tripe.

… Gregg Gethard, Comedian.”

And lastly, but most importantly, another controversy came from the epic tale of my appearance on the PBS game show “Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?” Google searches done by various people who read the piece indicated my nemesis on the show, Ilan Goldenberg, may actually be a well-known Middle East analyst who works for several think tanks and also writes for the highly influential political website The Huffington Post.

A comment left indicated the speculation was true. However, confirmation of this would come a few weeks later when Ilan Goldenberg himself left a comment confirming it was him. Goldenberg also contacted my via Facebook. When I saw he did, initially, I was very squeamish because of the story I wrote. However, his e-mail proved to me that he has an excellent sense of humor and has taken this all in stride. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails, actually, and he seems like a really good guy.

Also leaving a vaguely threatening comment was Spencer Ackerman, a fairly well-known blogger/journalist whose early work led to the disclosure of the Valerie Plame story. Ackerman is also known for being fired from The New Republic and now writes for The American Prospect.

These are my stories. These are my controversies. This is my life.

To be continued?!?

Comic Vs. Audience is proud to present LIFE OF LETTERS, a new twelve-part comic strip series by David Terruso of the local sketch group Animosity Pierre.

(Click to enlarge)

Check back next Wednesday for episode #2!

Over the past few months, sketch group Secret Pants have been playing their crowd-pleasing game “Bush or Batman” live on stage with members of the audience. And now with the success of The Dark Knight, they’ve filmed it in the historical area of Philadelphia for everyone to enjoy. And maybe you’ll learn something?

Secret Pants will be opening for comedian/country singer Neil Hamburger on August 7th at Johnny Brenda’s (1201 Frankford Ave).

Apparently, the summer is the time for having fun and traveling. We just got back from Chicago and Philadelphia stand-up Chip Chantry performed at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas this weekend. Chip won’t have any time to relax though, as he’s guest-hosting this month’s edition of Die, Actor, Die TONIGHT at The Khyber (56 S. 2nd), 8PM, $5. David James, Steve Gerben, Brendan Kennedy, Amir Gollan and Secret Pants are set to perform.

As Chip flies back into our fair city, here he shares with us some of the great things he experienced in Austin.

Oh, to be in Austin- the gorgeous weather, the live music, the snapping turtles. If you think Texas is a state full of fat, stupid, obnoxious, oil-hungry racists, you are only 90% right. Then there is Austin.

Imagine, if you will, that you wander into your grandmother’s living quarters one night when she is in Wilmington visiting my aunt that just had a hysterectomy. You down a mix of her Percocet and thyroid regulating medication- you’re really high. Next thing you know, you accidentally swallow one of her diamond earrings. You freak out. Now you have to wait for the gem to pass through your system and retrieve it.

Austin is the diamond earring in the hot feces of Texas. And my grandmother has never looked prettier.

So, what’s so great about Austin?
First of all, people are nice to you when you are in Austin. Like, genuinely nice. Strangers smile at you and say ‘hello’ on the street. The last person in Pennsylvania who smiled at me was my third grade teacher after I spelled the word “barrel” wrong in the first round of the big spelling bee. She followed the smile by whispering to me “It’s two R’s, you little shit. Now sit down. This isn’t 7Up. It takes something the rest of the students call “A-B-I-L-I-T-Y.”

But Austin is not just smiles and Mexicans. There are other great things that you can experience while you are in town. Music festivals like Austin City Limits and SXSW are popular attractions that have become internationally known (more so than Rob Base). But I wanted to dig a little deeper into the heart of Austin. And dig I dug.

So here is some of the local flavor to savor the next time you you’re in the fifth state capital alphabetically. (Time’s up! it’s Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, and Augusta.)

1. Ryan Adams is So Dreamy Night: Every Tuesday night at Bootleggers Bar on Congress Ave, men and women dressed in plaid shirts and vintage jeans sit around and discuss just how divine this alt-country prodigy really is. They also discuss his new album. Because, as you know, Ryan Adams puts out a new album every week.
($2 Keystone Lights!)

2. Free Kayak Sundays: If you don’t own a kayak, stop by Lady Bird Lake on Sunday mornings between 7-10am. They will just GIVE YOU one. For keeps. Because everyone in Austin owns a kayak. And, quite frankly, they kayak the SHIT out of that town. This is a city where the dispositions are mild, but the sports are extreme.
($2 Keystone Lights!)

3. “Kite Runner Karaeoke” at the Lucky Lizard: This is a real hot spot these days. Locals pack this delightful dive bar during Thursday Happy Hour to alternately sing their favorite 80’s hits, and discuss the haunting, yet evocative tale of betrayal and redemption set in war-torn Afghanistan. I have never, ever seen such a solemn rendition of Jessie’s Girl. Ever.
(Half-price margaritas!)

4. Midget Rodeo at Lake Travis Arena: Midgets, German Shepherds, lots of peanut butter. Get there early- front row seats are a must.

5. Comedy Clubs: Coming from Philadelphia, this was rather foreign to me. Inside Austin’s comedy clubs such as Cap City Comedy Club and the Velveeta Room on 6th Street, large groups of people (they call them “crowds” down there) fill the room, sit and listen attentively. Then, after that, they laugh loudly and clap. And then they continue this cycle of applause and laughter at regular intervals. Then, after the show, they come up to the comedians to THANK them for performing, buy them drinks, and tell them how funny they were. It was really strange.
One thing that was particularly distracting for me though, was that no one in the audience got on their cell phone during my set to make a call or text their boyfriend. And not a single table had a loud conversation with each other in the front row, oblivious to the fact that there was a show going on and that they were being complete assholes. I didn’t know how to react to that. And I guess they were all nerds, because not a single person in the audience was too cool to laugh, like in Philadelphia. Because, we have some really cool people in Philly. Way to cool to laugh. Oh! And here’s something that was really bizarre… bachelorette parties do not consider comedy clubs appropriate venues to display drunken, self-indulged whorish antics. It’s really strange! Audiences just sit there, face forward and laugh- as if they were an audience!

6. Bennigan’s: Right off of exit 241 on Interstate 35 in North Austin, you will find this bar/restaurant that serves up as much fun as is does food. The owners have decorated the walls with rather unorthodox decorations (sporting equipment, musical instruments, photos of comedian Charlie Chaplin for starters!) and make this friendly establishment fun for the whole family. If someone in your party is celebrating a birthday, tell the waitstaff- they’ll come out and sing to the guest of honor!!! Stop by for a truly unique Austin experience. ($2 Keystone Lights!)

7. Shadoe Stevens Sound-alike Sundays at The Bullhorn: Can you make your voice sound like the legendary voiceover artist/DJ turned Hollywood Squares heartthrob? Well, then get your ass down to The Bullhorn (6th and Las Cruces) on Sundays. You might win the weekly grand prize of a coupon for a $2 Keystone Light. ($2 Keystone Lights!)

8. Hipsters in Austin: 6th Street is lined with literally dozens of bars and clubs that feature live, original music every night. Austin is the live music capital of the world, and the epicenter is this blocks-long strip. Hundreds of hipsters crowd this area every night, checking out the bands and local scene.

*It should be noted that Austin hipsters are much different from the Philadelphia specimen. They are much cooler, social, and lack the whiny, faux-intellectual sarcasm of the tight-jeans ones of the northeast. They have more of a rockabilly look, are much more tattooed, and could easily kick the living shit out of any passive-aggressive, square glasses wearing douche bag that hangs out in Northern Liberties. And man, can they kayak!

9. The Number 15 Bus (Red River Line): Ride this bus with the intended destination of AWESOME. Upon boarding, Shanda will promptly ask to use your cell phone, so she can call her dead mother (“It’s a local call”, she insists). Stick around to meet Glen, a slightly overweight man with a well-trimmed blonde beard, curly BLACK hair, and a golf ball sized boil on his right cheek. Ask him, and he will tell you about how if Carl Perkins and Elvis Presley lived in the Stone Age, then Carl Perkins would have been much more popular. (Actually, you don’t have to ask… just sit there, nervously pretending to do a crossword puzzle, without making eye contact, and he will tell you anyway- rather loudly, and in great detail.)
Austin’s motto is “Keep Austin Weird”. There are T-Shirts and signs all over town displaying these instructions. But it’s not really necessary. Because the people on the number 15 bus have that shit on LOCKDOWN.

10. “Hey Is That John Mayer?” Days (July 11th-17th): Austin is known as home to celebrities that are just too cool for Hollywood. Many of these A-Listers (what do you think the “A” stands for?) party it up for a week on Lake Travis. Most of the festivities bounce back and forth between the eco-friendly mansions of Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey. No one is really sure what exactly goes down this week, but two things are for sure: it’s really fucking cool, and Al Gore usually shows up. Other notable guests include Tony Hawk, David Cross, Vince Vaughn, the band Wilco, and Kate Hudson. And there’s always a Wilson brother and at least five people who Dave Navarro has slept with in attendance.

11. University of Texas, Austin: This sprawling campus is one of the largest in the nation. The academics are excellent, the social scene is top-notch, and the football games are legendary. Plus, no one has shot anyone from atop the clock tower in like FORTY YEARS! Bonus!!!

12. South Austin Liberal-Off: Who is the most liberal person in the world? It’s gotta be someone in Austin. Once a week, in front of the capital building, dreadlocked warriors of the left battle to see who is the most socially and politically progressive person in Austin.
These yea-sayers one-up each other with political views that skew so far left, they are almost right. Onlookers vote to determine that week’s most liberal person.
This past week, ideas ranged from “saving the ferrets” to “tax breaks for members of the Polyphonic Spree”. Ultimately, the winner was a shirtless drum circle participant, simply named “Hand”. His proposal to legalize bear sex in the schools outshined all others.

*Come for the debates, stay for the obvious, cartoonishly abundant supply of free pot.
($2 Keystone Lights!)

Austin, Texas is, in fact, the greatest place on Earth. As a responsible journalist, I need to put that on record. For long-time fans of my writing, you probably have realized that this is in contradiction with an essay that I wrote in 5th grade, entitled “Dorney Park Rulezzz!!!” Let it be noted, that I have officially changed my stance.

Amen.

Here at Comic Vs. Audience we feel that we need to offer you an apology. We didn’t post anything last Thursday or Friday, but we have a good reason for it, we were in Chicago and too busy having fun to be bothered!

But now we are back with some photos we took in an effort to regain your trust. We had a great time and Chicago is really an amazing city (seriously!). Enjoy the photos!

The legendary Second City (1616 N Wells St). A breeding ground for improv and sketch comedy, many Saturday Night Live greats have come from here: Gilda Radner, John Belushi, Chris Farley and more.

And near Second City is the Chicago stand-up staple Zanies (1548 N Wells St), which boasts to have featured many comedians before they became famous.

The Jay Pritzker Pavilion (201 E Randolph St). Designed by legendary architect Frank Gehry, this pavilion is home to the Grant Park Music Festival and many free concerts throughout the year.

The marvelous Crown Fountain (201 E Randolph St), located in Millennium Park near the Jay Pritzker. The faces of local yokels are projected on two 50-foot glass towers at each end of a shallow reflecting pool for the kiddies to play in.

The Cloud Gate (201 E Randolph St), affectionately called “the bean” by locals, is a 110-ton elliptical sculpture with a 12-foot arch for walking through and taking reflective photos of (entertaining photos not included here).

The Boring Store (1331 N Milwaukee Ave), in the heart of the Wicker Park neighborhood (which is the Northern Liberties of Chicago from what we could tell), is a spy store and front for the 826CHI, a Dave Eggers/McSweeney’s writing workshop for students ages 6 to 18.

Sad news: the legendary bank robber John Dillinger has been shot at the Biograph Theater (2433 N. Lincoln Ave.) coming out of a movie there.

Even sadder news: the Haymarket Riot happened (151-199 N. Desplaines St). Eight policeman and innumerable civilians died in what was supposed to be a peaceful rally in support of the eight-hour work day (what a silly idea!). This event was an important influence on “May Day”, which is now celebrated throughout the world and mostly ignored in the U.S. (crazy foreigners!).

And the worst news of all: a large fire spread throughout downtown Chicago. The fire was so damaging in fact that they are calling it, aptly, “The Chicago Fire”. Luckily our hotel was sparred. Plans are in place to name their professional soccer franchise after the tragedy.

Well, we hope you enjoyed our definitive tour of Chicago. We’ve got a lot of great stuff coming up next week, so strap in and mentally prepare yourself.