Here is The Feeko Brothers’ nomination for the Greatest Local Commercial. During local sports coverage, nestled in between commercials for trucks and boner medicine, you’ll find this little gem for the delicious Not Just Pizza.

Do not even attempt to read this “article” without watching the above video.

Not Just Pizza. Let us first point out that there is absolutely no information in this commercial. All we know is that “Not Just Pizza” and Sal are back. That’s it. They do state that they have “an amazing food selection,” “great service,” and “one of a kind delivery and take-out specials.” However these three things should come STANDARD with every restaurant and are by no means “selling points.”

Again, there is no information in this commercial. Take this hypothetical conversation between two rubes:
Rube #1: Hey I just saw this commercial for “Not Just Pizza.” Let’s order.
Rube #2: What kind of food do they have?
Rube #1: Not just Pizza.
Rube #2: But like, what kind?
Rube #1: I dunno. Sal’s back.
Rube #2: What?

Luckily, they put their phone number and approximate address in the commercial so you could actually give them a chance.

Now, onto the 800 pound gorilla in the room. After a “Breaking News” fear-flash, a tomato reading “11th and Wolf” swoops into frame to reveal… a Penguin. A Talking Penguin. A Talking Penguin News Reporter. A Talking Penguin News Reporter who is forced to do fluff pieces on local pizza parlors. Who is this Talking Penguin News Reporter and why is he getting such bad assignments? Since his mere presence alone raises more questions than answers, we did a little online research and found this biography:

———————————————————————————————————–Talking Penguin News Reporter (1943-????) is Peabody Award winning journalist is know for his succinct reporting style which arrives in his signature disyllabic bursts. From the South Pole to South Philly, Talking Penguin News Reporter’s integrity has been put to the test and each time he has responded with unflappable poise.

Here a few of his career highlights:
Dallas, TX – 11/22/1963 – “Jack’s Dead!”
Washington DC – 8/8/1974 – “Dick’s Gone!”
Berlin, Germany – 11/2/1989 – “Wall’s Down!”
Washington DC – 12/19/1998 – “Look I understand what President Clinton did was morally reprehensible but at least he didn’t lead us into an unjust war!”
New York, NY – 9/11/2001 -”Let’s Roll!”

After an on-air melt down in May of 2003, the Talking Penguin News Reporter was cast out of the upper echelon of Talking Penguin News Reporters. He currently resides in the Pennsport section of South Philadelphia with his wife and three kids. He is currently a local corespondent for “Not Just Pizza”.———————————————————————————————————–

Well, that sort of answers at least part of one question. Anyway, we think it’s time to end this “article.” Not because we’ve exhausted every mockable aspect of this commercial, but because there might be a word limit on writing about something this stupid. In closing, “Not Just Pizza” makes a great pie, and while we may never understand the meaning behind their commercials, I think we can all find solace in the fact that Sal’s back!

Fun Facts:
*The LIVE report is not actually LIVE every time.
*The anagram for “Sal’s Back” is “Black Ass.” Think about it.
*The Talking Penguin News Reporter does not in fact wear a tuxedo.
*Their Pizza > Their Commercial

-The Feeko Brothers

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