As we count down the hours until 2010, here are the last of the Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

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As we count down the hours until 2010, here are more Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

Doogie Horner, stand-up, host of The Ministry of Secret Jokes

5. Henry Foley vs. Luke Giordano at the Raven Lounge debate

The Raven debate is always entertaining, but this match was especially interesting because of the contestant’s diametrically opposite approaches. The debate was, Who would be a better wingman: Darth Vader or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? Luke had Vader and Foley had Scorpion. Foley took an early lead as the crowd favorite, being very personable and friendly, and clearly having fun. Luke came in all business. He appeared confident that his superior knowledge of Star Wars would give him an edge, but it actually worked against him since the crowd didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Foley easily walked all over him until the final round when he suggested that Scorpion would use his trademark “Get over here!” move to snare women from across the bar. The crowd thought that was really funny until Luke—in a stunning comeback—explained that what Foley had described was basically ninja rape.

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The 2nd co-headlining show in this series. Come see 2 hilarious comedians for the price of 1!

MATT BRAUNGER from FOX’s “MADtv”, The Late Show with David Letterman, Live at Gotham.

KURT METZGER from Live at Gotham, VH1’s “Best Week Ever”.

8PM, $10, Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., Philadelphia, PA, 19103, 215-496-9001, ticket website.

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10:30PM- $55 Includes
Show ticket
Party favors
Champange toast at midnight
Post-show dessert buffet

10:30PM, $55, Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., Philadelphia, PA, 19103, 215-496-9001, ticket website.

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Bring in the New Year with us at Helium Comedy Club!

December 31st, 8PM- $35 Includes
Show ticket
Appetizers 6PM- 7PM

8PM, $35, Helium Comedy Club, 2031 Sansom St., Philadelphia, PA, 19103, 215-496-9001, ticket website.

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Patrick Swayze, Brittany Murphy, Orrin Hatch. 2009 was a terrible year to be famous. But why wait until the Oscars to fondly remember all of your beloved celebrities who have passed on to that Great Red Carpet in the Sky? Benny and Martin Hopper, two naive singing brothers raised by their grandma in Glenside, are celebrating the new year with 8 new songs that constitute a new meaning of the word new (i.e., they’re covers).

Described as “Funny, with lyrics that start off corny, then show an edge,” (Howard Shapiro, Philadelphia Inquirer) and “Family friendly fun for fun with your family and friends!” (The Hopper Brothers, sticky note glued to Benny’s composition book), these minstrels are the perfect pair to ease your grief over the loss of some of entertainment’s great Titans. Yes, we mean Michael Jackson.

So join the Hopper Brothers and the Philadelphia Joke Initiative on Wednesday, December 30th, for a night of music, remembrance, and the awkward shrugging of shoulders as we ask “Too Soon?”

8PM, $10, BYOB, Connie’s Ric Rac, 1132 S. 9th Street, Philadelphia, PA, 19147, contactpji@gmail.com, www.contactpji.com.

Sorry for the breaks, hope you had a good Christmas. The Top 5 Lists continue this week…

The Top 5 Character comedians of 2009 by John Kensil

5.) Jackie Lincoln – The only Abraham Lincoln Impersonator comedian seen at two Chip Chantry One Man Shows At the Khyber Pass as portrayed by John Kensil (sorry if it seems ego stroking on my part but so what? it’s funny)

4.) Johnny Goodtimes as the 1920’s Comic at Chip Chantry’s one man show salute to history special. Lines like- ” I like my women like I like my airplanes….BI”

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As we continue to count down 2009, the TOP 5 lists keep coming…

Ben Maher, co-founder/co-producer of Philly Sketchfest

5. “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC goes viral. It was great to see “Weird Al” debut an EP’s worth of new songs in video form on the internet, and once again gain a whole new generation of fans as he continues to spoof popular music better than anyone else.

4. LOCAL SHOWS continue to spotlight the best Philly has to offer. The Philadelphia comedy scene continues to prove that not only is it filled with hilarious comedians, but that it supports its own better than anywhere else. Shows such as Chip Chantry’s One Man Show (with Special Guests), Bedtime Stories, Ministry of Secret Jokes, Guilty Pleasures, Hey Everybody! and more showcase the amazing talent Philly has to offer. (and props to the venues that put them on like Khyber, PHIT, Connie’s Ric Rac, etc.)

3. KENT HAINES on Comedy Central. National exposure for Philadelphia comedy, featuring one of our funniest and most intelligent comics? Love it.

2. PAT HOUSE INTROS featuring the various incarnations of John Kensil. Absolutely awesome, nonstop hilarious and I hope they never end. The only time I laughed more than this all year was…

1. BING SUPERNOVA at PHILLY SKETCHFEST late show, Saturday night. (go ahead and call me biased, but PSF lucked out to have this performance. It would rank in this spot no matter where it was) A mighty juggernaut of over the top, tear inducing, stomach cramping laughs. This was the funniest 15 minutes of comedy I have seen in years, and the crowd agreed. Mr. Supernova graced this show with his presence, and we are all better for it. Bing Supernova, we thank you.

Honorable Mentions:
The STATE on DVD! (Finally!) & CINEMATIC TITANIC selling out at the Troc!

The Top 5 lists of 2009 continue…this one is from stand-up comic Pat House

Well, it’s that time of year – time for the Comic VS. Audience ‘Top Five’ lists! It’s like the AVNs of Philly comedy…with fewer tits and less clean-up…and no actual awards.

With such a great year in the Philadelphia comedy scene, the possibilities for a Top Five list were endless. Some of the topics I toyed around with were Top Five Oakland Quotes, Top Five Comics I was glad to see leave Philly (I don’t actually know five comics that left Philly this year, but I figured I’d just list five Conrad jokes) and Top Five Comics I want to see leave Philly*.

So, after twelve months of contemplating my list, I settled on the Top Five Newer Comics of 2009**. Some are more new to Philly comedy than others, but in my opinion, each one of the following had a breakout year on the scene.

1. James Hesky – From phone calls gone awry to masturbating on a park bench, James sums up my teenage years perfectly. James has a great grip on what it takes to be a stand-up comic. He’s constantly tweaking jokes, fixing the wording and performing the same jokes night after night to make them tighter. Also, I’ve seen him eat on stage. You have to respect a man who does his two favorite things at once.

2. David Ray – The instant I heard his Holocaust joke, I was a fan. I honestly think I cried the first time I heard that joke. Not only does David have a unique sense of humor, he has some of the most intelligent jokes I have ever heard. He is one of the few comics I can watch over and over again and still laugh at the same joke as if it’s the first time I heard it. David’s act can be summed-up in one word: Tonatiuh.

3. Mary Radzinski – Okay, so Mary’s been a stand-up for a little more than a year, but I had to include her on my list because both her stage presence and her jokes have skyrocketed this year. She crushed the prelims and semi-finals in Helium’s Philly’s Phunniest and it was a shame she didn’t make the finals. Her facial expressions, dry sarcasm and constant smile give her an act distinct from the rest of the Philadelphia comics. And one time, she let me crash at her place when I was too drunk to drive, and that was very, very nice.

4. Darryl Charles – Unfortunately, I have not seen Darryl as much as I have the other comics I mentioned, but that doesn’t keep him off my list. In the few times I have seen him, I was amazed at how comfortable he seemed on stage so early in his career. He’s engaging, he has great command of the crowd and most importantly, he has good, solid material. Not to mention that “MAN, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” may be my favorite quote of the year.

5. Bing Supernova – When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like Bing Supernova, Just. Like. Bing Supernova. But who is Bing Supernova? A prophet? An oracle? One thing we do know is that he’s a mystery. I don’t know if people know this, but Bing made appearances years ago performing under brilliant pseudonyms such as Allen Iverson, Donovan McNabb and Santa Claus to disguise his legendry. But in recent months, Bing (as himself!), has been performing all over the area with an act so genius – so epic, I don’t know if us stupid retards even understand it.

* See: Top Five Newer Comics of 2009

** See: Top Five Comics I want to see leave Philly

Back by popular demand, Philly’s professional improvisational comedy troupe returns to the Tri-PAC! Each show, N Crowd performers play a series of games in which they take suggestions from the audience and then perform scenes based on those suggestions. There are no scripts. No props. And nowhere for the performers to run! Since April 2005, The N Crowd has performed 90-minute shows on a weekly basis. Past homes have included 213 New Street and the Society Hill Playhouse. Besides performing weekly, The N Crowd has appeared at Fergie’s Pub, the Trocadero Balcony Bar, the Melange Theater, and Bethlehem’s First Night. The N Crowd has also made appearances at fundraisers for Naked Feet Productions, Vagabond Productions, and the Tri-County Performing Arts Center. The N Crowd also has made appearances at Eastern University, Ursinus College, and the Philadelphia Improv Festival in 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008, as well as the 2005, 2007, and 2008 Philadelphia Fringe Festival. Currently The N Crowd performs at the Actors Center, located at 257 North 3rd Street, Philadelphia.

8PM, $17, Tri-Pac, 245 East High Street, Pottstown, PA 19464, phillyncrowd.com, ticket website.

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