As we count down the hours until 2010, here are the last of the Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

3. DAVID RAY’S “HOLOCAUST”

David Ray came out of nowhere this year and this simple, short punch to the balls of a joke was all anyone on the scene could talk about for the whole month of June. It’s hard to imagine someone rising higher and faster than he did this summer and this joke stood out among the rest, though all very good. He uses sexual frustration by initially painting a picture of a first time gone wrong and then throws us a curve ball of Holocaust denial that has gotten more consistent cheers for a single joke than I can recall otherwise.

2. KENT HAINES’ “ENGAGEMENT STORY”

This bit was the culmination of Kent’s wealth of material on his relationship with his longtime girlfriend, (and now fiancee). The theme of arrested development in relation to his dealings with his girlfriend is dominant in throughout his act and it all comes to a head with this bit. He has to come to terms with the fact that he’s going to marry this girl but even in this process he can’t help but feel inadequate as his eager girlfriend tells him the mother of all proposal stories that happened to one of her girlfriends (she obviously wanting something similar from him) to the point that he is filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and panic. The subtext of much of Kent’s act — and important subtext that surely ultimately led to his appearance on television — is that he does love his girlfriend and does want to get married and start a family with her someday, but there’s something inside of him that really would rather stay in and play Nintendo forever. He’s tapped into the zeitgeist of men in their early twenties who aren’t quite ready to go all in, as well as their girlfriends who might be pushing them a bit too hard.

1. ANTON SHUFORD “BASEBALL”

What other bit than this one could be number one? This is just a great fucking story. One with twists and turns and surprises. One that builds and builds and never lets up for a second. This is a joke that makes you side with and ever cheer on a guy who does so many things that are thoroughly reprehensible, and who does them one right after the other, and on top of all that, uses shaky (at best) logic to defend himself, but still, Anton is so charismatic, convicted, likable, and such a gifted storyteller that not for a second are you disgusted with him or siding with the disabled child who is victim of his selfishness. He sweeps you up right from the get-go and doesn’t let you down until he’s done with you. And at that point, you’ve been laughing and applauding for the past five minutes so you don’t even have the time, the want, or the need to ask any moral questions on what has just happened. It has to be said, this bit really is a masterstroke.

Meg Favreau of Meg & Rob

1.) Alli Soowol as Kitten

Everyone who I perform with in the Real Housewives of Philadelphia is
so incredibly talented and funny and good, so I hope the other ladies
aren’t offended that I’m giving a special shout out to Alli’s
character. Kitten is a weird-talking, rhinestone-wearing, possibly
mentally deficient woman-child who doles out sage advice and wraps up
story lines at just the right time, and I’m in awe of her.

2.) Bedtime Stories

This is a cop out. Oh, I love Bedtime Stories, but picking it allows
me to include the following things in one item: Secret Pants’ prom in
three minutes, Jon Goff’s PowerPoint presentations, and the utter joy
that is the Greggulator.

3.) Roger Snair’s Script at Guilty Pleasures

I was there for the first performance of this, the one when the
Phillies were playing and almost no one showed up. But oh my god,
what a strange, amazing script and performance. Numerous times the
performers broke down in the middle of their sentences because they
were laughing too damn hard.

4.) Sketch Up or Shut Up

This is a sketch-comedy open mic I started earlier this year. I know
that picking a show I host for my top five list is kind of lame, but
it’s also been the location of some of the best and weirdest stuff
I’ve seen this year, like Dave Walk and Aaron Hertzog’s call-in show
and Brian Kelly and Paul Triggiani singing product jingles by request
to the tunes of popular songs. And all of the performers and audience
members have been so supportive and friendly.

5.) John Kensil’s Video for Chip’s Moon Contest

If I am laughing and constantly asking “What?” during something, that
usually means I love it. Filming NASA interviews in the backyard in
front of tomato plants? What? Amazing. I am also including this
video on this list in hopes that it will spur John to put the thing
online. JOHN. PUT THE THING ONLINE.

PS – That whole moon show was great. Brendan Kennedy in the Iron Man outfit? Aaron Hertzog and Luke Giordano’s moon party thing? All so good.

Bryce Remsburg of Secret Pants

1. Jon Goff

-This dude is a genius. Seriously. I have never seen him do anything but kill an audience. He is consistently the highlight of Bedtime Stories. One specific show doesn’t stick out, because they are all so amazing. He has taken something so simple as a powerpoint presentation, and makes it hilarious every time. Not to mention he makes a fine Roller derby play-by-play announcer and a fine Terrordome host.

2. Kent Haines on Comedy Central

-While the thought of doing stand up comedy petrifies me, this was a feeling of community accomplishment. A guy that is one of us fledgling Philly comedians (for now) was on TV! Paul F. Tompkins introduced him! His name was spelled correctly in my DVR! His American Apparel shirt didn’t fit right! Also, I miss “Why Am I Not Famous?” greatly, the Rowan and Hastings swansong was a special evening.

3. Greggulator at Philly’s Phunniest

-I was laughing to the point of tears during this entire performance. He gets baby powder in some unsuspecting patron’s drink. He shoots a t-shirt into the audience with a homemade slingshot at Helium. The confused silence following some of his jokes. I haven’t just been capitalizing He because it appears at the beginning of the sentence. He is a God to me, the closest thing we have to our own Andy Kaufman.

4. Ascension: Gutierrez

-The Chicago Cubs loss is Philadelphia comedy’s gain. I consider myself lucky to have been present for his rookie year here. He adapts to any situation, be it Johnny Goodtimes’ backyard, the Trocadero mainstage, singing at the Shubin, or giving advice at the Khyber (which led to him being punched in the testicles by Meg Favreau). If you have not experienced Fastball Pitcher Bob Guiterrez live, do yourself a favor.

5. Meg Favreau and Rob Baniewicz

-I’m not referring to their little comedy troupe here, but them as people. I cannot imagine our “scene” without them. They make any show better, be it performing or spectating, and are so incredibly positive, and supportive of everything. I may literally smile when I see them somewhere. Sketch Up or Shut Up is a fantastic, widely untapped idea. I’m so glad they like me.

Dave Terruso’s (Animosity Pierre) Top Five Lines From Philly Comedy (in no particular order and without context)

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