As we count down the hours until 2010, here are more Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

Doogie Horner, stand-up, host of The Ministry of Secret Jokes

5. Henry Foley vs. Luke Giordano at the Raven Lounge debate

The Raven debate is always entertaining, but this match was especially interesting because of the contestant’s diametrically opposite approaches. The debate was, Who would be a better wingman: Darth Vader or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? Luke had Vader and Foley had Scorpion. Foley took an early lead as the crowd favorite, being very personable and friendly, and clearly having fun. Luke came in all business. He appeared confident that his superior knowledge of Star Wars would give him an edge, but it actually worked against him since the crowd didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Foley easily walked all over him until the final round when he suggested that Scorpion would use his trademark “Get over here!” move to snare women from across the bar. The crowd thought that was really funny until Luke—in a stunning comeback—explained that what Foley had described was basically ninja rape.

4. Roger Snair beating Gregg Gethard in a Yo Mamma Battle at the Fringe Cabaret.

This show was kind of an uphill battle, because a large portion of the audience were artsy people who’d come to the cabaret to see interpretive dance and such. They did get to see some of that, but they also saw one of the dirtiest—and awesomest—yo mamma battles I’ve ever seen.

The battle started with a pack of eight that slowly whittled down to two players in the final round: Gregg Gethard vs. Roger Snair. Gregg’s Yo Mama snaps were very creative. They were actually long, rambling short stories more than “snaps.” One of them was (and I’m paraphrasing) “Yo Mama asked if she could be my slave. I said yes. Then she asked me how much she’d be getting paid, which means she doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “slave.” So I drowned her in the fountain outside the Cherry Hill Mall. Lots of people saw her dead body floating there, and they laughed, because it’s weird to see a dead body somewhere like that where you don’t expect to see it.”

Roger’s snaps were very short, and also creative in their own way, but totally different than Gregg’s: “Yo Mama is so ugly, the WNBA won’t let her play.” “Yo Mama is so stinky, skunks think she smells.” Near the end, you could tell he had obviously run out of snaps, and was making them up on the spot. He would speak haltingly, his eyes looking up at the ceiling, clearly unsure what his next words would be. “Your Mama . . . is sooooo stinky . . .” a long pause, then his eyes would light up, “she can clear a room!” The crowd loved the genuine, guileless enthusiasm he exuded.

Like Henry and Luke’s debate, it was a great battle because the two comics had very original styles that were polar opposites. Roger wasn’t even originally scheduled to battle, he just jumped in. And fucking nailed it.

3. Bing Supernova

Chip Chantry’s alter ego Bing Supernova has been around for a while, but it wasn’t until this year Bing really found his groove. Bing tells the jokes Chip Chantry can write but never tell because he’s too nice. “Have you ever gotten an erection in a place you shouldn’t? Like your mouth?” His Michael Jordan joke is incredible, so is his “When I fight, I telegraph my moves,” joke, but I don’t want to ruin either of them here. My hope is that Bing Supernova becomes so famous that he completely overshadows Chip Chantry, forcing Chip to wear a beret and blazer and scream obscene anti-semitic jokes for the rest of his career—which, actually, isn’t such an awful fate.

2. John Kensil’s Chicken Nuggets joke

“You know, when you go through the McDonald’s drive-thru late at night, the service isn’t always the best. I got some chicken nuggets from there a couple nights ago. I’m driving home and one of the nuggets starts to ring.” (pantomimes picking up a phone) “Hello?” “Hey, tell Duane I’ve got his Blockbuster card.”

1. The WID at the Ministry of Secret Jokes

The WID is my favorite comedian of all time (sorry Bob Hope, wherever you are). But my admiration and respect for his comedy reached a new height after seeing him do a half hour at the Ministry of Secret Jokes Bachelor Party (full disclosure—the bachelor party was mine). The room was packed, it was the end of the show, and crowd was a little rowdy. The WID got off to a smooth start, telling a few marriage jokes: “Doogie said when he gets home he’s going to rip Jen’s underwear off. The elastic waistband is killing him.”

Then he brought out the props.

If you’ve never seen the WID before, he dumps huge containers of props all over the stage and then makes lighting fast puns about them. For instance, at one point he angrily shook a pair of small shoes at the crowd. “Who put these here? Who put these here? Oh you little sneaks.” His jokes are very fast, and he’s incredible at thinking on his feet. Which came in handy when this drunk in the front row started making fun of the WID’s pants. So the WID said “Hey, stop looking at my pants. Or as they say in Spain, ‘Leave my pantalones.’” The crowd loved it. Making fun of the WID on stage is like standing between a mother grizzly and her cub, if grizzlies told jokes while they mauled you. This guy in the front kept fucking with the WID—talking during the show, not laughing—and the WID didn’t miss a beat, he’d make fun of the dude and then slip right back into the act. At one point he held up a white trash bag and said “Here, you can hang out with the rest of the white trash,” before dropping it at the guy’s feet. The guy wanted to murder the WID, but then the WID would say something so funny the guy had to laugh. That’s powerful comedy, taking someone who wants to punch you and making them laugh.

I’ve seen plenty of comics get lengthy applause breaks, but before that night I’d never seen a comedian have to pause because people were loudly chanting his name—WID! WID! WID! And then the WID would scream “bring up more props!” and three guys would bring giant tupperware containers on stage and he’d spill them everywhere and keep going. Nobody follows the WID, because there’s nowhere to stand on the stage.

Kent Haines’ Top 5 Jokes of 2009

It’s hard for me to remember if these jokes were all written in 2009, but they’re the 5 jokes that made me laugh the hardest.

5. Chip Chantry – Wheel of Fortune
If I had to point to a single joke in Chip’s act that exemplifies his sense of humor and persona, I’d pick this one. His Wheel of Fortune bit does an excellent job of establishing his sensibility with the crowd and giving them a taste of what’s to come. And structurally, it’s airtight. The type of joke you can only write when you have gained an intuitive feel for stand-up.

4. Joey Dougherty – Self-Esteem
Again, this joke instantly gives the crowd an insight into Joey as a comedian and a person. The Philly scene has a lot of ramblers, but Joey understands the economy of words and getting straight to the heart of a joke. I’ll be quoting this joke to friends for a long time.

3. Darryl Charles – Asparagus
Darryl has really impressed me this year, but this joke in particular keeps me laughing every time I see it. Darryl’s performance takes a solid premise and elevates it wonderfully.

2. Luke Giordano – Boba Fett
Boba Fett was a solid joke. Luke did it for months, and it always got a decent response. And then he ripped it apart and rewrote it from scratch, turning a good bit into a killer bit. I am really impressed with Luke’s commitment to get every drop out of a joke, as well as his willingness to throw out good jokes and search for better ones.

1. Anton Shuford – Baseball
Anton won Philly’s Phunniest this year, and it’s this joke that shows why he deserves it. Anton plays a game with the crowd where he exposes bigger and bigger flaws in his character and dares the crowd to stop liking him. And night after night, they can’t. In fact, they love him even more for it. Just a fantastically written story.

Gregg Gethard’s Top 5 Philly Comedy’s Best Moments for 2009

1.) Doogie Horner’s Bachelor Party Ministry of Secret Jokes: Top to bottom the best comedy show I’ve ever been to, let alone a part of.

2.) David Ray’s performance at Helium’s contest: A true “Where the f did this guy come from” moment.

3.) An Evening at Applebee’s Bedtime Stories: The best BS of the year, including a breakout appearance from the debuting Chris Cru Thick.

4.) Anything involving Bing Supernova.

5.) Emily and Micah’s performance at the Shubin.

Brian Craig of Secret Pants

5. – The “Kick the Keg” Backyard Show
With half a keg leftover from a show the previous night, Chip Chantry and Johnny Goodtimes decided to throw together a short-notice, by-invitation-only comedy show in Johnny’s backyard (which is the size of my bedroom). An incredibly awesome, incredibly intimate night of hilarity ensued. Twenty years from now, everybody will claim to have been there.

4. – Emily & Micah McGraw
When we were choosing acts to open for our two Shubin shows in November, we just went with people that we wanted to watch. Emily and Micah were at the very top of the list. And beyond the hilarious, catchy tunes, these guys are just plain adorable. My favorite songs: “Cat on the Street”, “Tasers”, “America”

3. – The Philadelphia Comedy Community
This is kind of a holdover from 2008, but the Philly comedy group-o’-friends really solidified this year. Not only were there some really great monthly shows (like Chip’s “One Man Show”, Gregg Gethard’s “Bedtime Stories”, and Kent Haines’ late “Why Am I Not Famous??!??”), but there were also some wonderful social gatherings, such as Aaron Hertzog’s Super Bowl get-together, Dave Walk’s Halloween party and everyone getting together at Murph’s to watch the Phillies during the post-season. The sketch and stand-up sub-communities have become fast friends and I wouldn’t be surprised if 2010 brought with it some very interesting and exciting collaborations.

2. – Aaron Hertzog, the handsomest man you ever did see
I have no hesitation in predicting that Aaron will be the next big thing to come out of Philadelphia. He is easily one of the best jokesmiths in the city and he has a comfortable stage presence. Almost all of my favorite jokes right now belong to Aaron. To list a few: the “Hide-and-Go-Seek Killer” bit, his bit about how he’s an unlikely abduction target, the story about his mom bringing him a clean pair of pants to work, and, of course, his “handsomest man” intro.

1. – Secret Pants, five years deep / Brian Kelly’s 30th birthday show
2009 marked our fifth year together as a group, effectively culminating in a montage Paul cobbled together to surprise BK onstage for his birthday during our show at the Shubin. We’ve come a long way together, from fresh-faced college graduates to balding, tired semi-grownups with jobs, responsibilities, and, for more than half of us, mortgages. I’ve really enjoyed growing up with these guys and it’s an honor to be able to create funny stuff with them on a regular basis. And the added bonus of being in this group of exceptionally talented people is that we’ve had the opportunity, especially this year, to perform alongside some amazing comedians and sketch groups. Hitting the five-year mark made me look back on all the people we’ve met and become friends with and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Thanks, guys. You’re true blue.

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