As we count down the hours until 2010, here are the last of the Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

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As we count down the hours until 2010, here are more Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

Doogie Horner, stand-up, host of The Ministry of Secret Jokes

5. Henry Foley vs. Luke Giordano at the Raven Lounge debate

The Raven debate is always entertaining, but this match was especially interesting because of the contestant’s diametrically opposite approaches. The debate was, Who would be a better wingman: Darth Vader or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? Luke had Vader and Foley had Scorpion. Foley took an early lead as the crowd favorite, being very personable and friendly, and clearly having fun. Luke came in all business. He appeared confident that his superior knowledge of Star Wars would give him an edge, but it actually worked against him since the crowd didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Foley easily walked all over him until the final round when he suggested that Scorpion would use his trademark “Get over here!” move to snare women from across the bar. The crowd thought that was really funny until Luke—in a stunning comeback—explained that what Foley had described was basically ninja rape.

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Sorry for the breaks, hope you had a good Christmas. The Top 5 Lists continue this week…

The Top 5 Character comedians of 2009 by John Kensil

5.) Jackie Lincoln – The only Abraham Lincoln Impersonator comedian seen at two Chip Chantry One Man Shows At the Khyber Pass as portrayed by John Kensil (sorry if it seems ego stroking on my part but so what? it’s funny)

4.) Johnny Goodtimes as the 1920’s Comic at Chip Chantry’s one man show salute to history special. Lines like- ” I like my women like I like my airplanes….BI”

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As we continue to count down 2009, the TOP 5 lists keep coming…

Ben Maher, co-founder/co-producer of Philly Sketchfest

5. “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC goes viral. It was great to see “Weird Al” debut an EP’s worth of new songs in video form on the internet, and once again gain a whole new generation of fans as he continues to spoof popular music better than anyone else.

4. LOCAL SHOWS continue to spotlight the best Philly has to offer. The Philadelphia comedy scene continues to prove that not only is it filled with hilarious comedians, but that it supports its own better than anywhere else. Shows such as Chip Chantry’s One Man Show (with Special Guests), Bedtime Stories, Ministry of Secret Jokes, Guilty Pleasures, Hey Everybody! and more showcase the amazing talent Philly has to offer. (and props to the venues that put them on like Khyber, PHIT, Connie’s Ric Rac, etc.)

3. KENT HAINES on Comedy Central. National exposure for Philadelphia comedy, featuring one of our funniest and most intelligent comics? Love it.

2. PAT HOUSE INTROS featuring the various incarnations of John Kensil. Absolutely awesome, nonstop hilarious and I hope they never end. The only time I laughed more than this all year was…

1. BING SUPERNOVA at PHILLY SKETCHFEST late show, Saturday night. (go ahead and call me biased, but PSF lucked out to have this performance. It would rank in this spot no matter where it was) A mighty juggernaut of over the top, tear inducing, stomach cramping laughs. This was the funniest 15 minutes of comedy I have seen in years, and the crowd agreed. Mr. Supernova graced this show with his presence, and we are all better for it. Bing Supernova, we thank you.

Honorable Mentions:
The STATE on DVD! (Finally!) & CINEMATIC TITANIC selling out at the Troc!

The Top 5 lists of 2009 continue…this one is from stand-up comic Pat House

Well, it’s that time of year – time for the Comic VS. Audience ‘Top Five’ lists! It’s like the AVNs of Philly comedy…with fewer tits and less clean-up…and no actual awards.

With such a great year in the Philadelphia comedy scene, the possibilities for a Top Five list were endless. Some of the topics I toyed around with were Top Five Oakland Quotes, Top Five Comics I was glad to see leave Philly (I don’t actually know five comics that left Philly this year, but I figured I’d just list five Conrad jokes) and Top Five Comics I want to see leave Philly*.

So, after twelve months of contemplating my list, I settled on the Top Five Newer Comics of 2009**. Some are more new to Philly comedy than others, but in my opinion, each one of the following had a breakout year on the scene.

1. James Hesky – From phone calls gone awry to masturbating on a park bench, James sums up my teenage years perfectly. James has a great grip on what it takes to be a stand-up comic. He’s constantly tweaking jokes, fixing the wording and performing the same jokes night after night to make them tighter. Also, I’ve seen him eat on stage. You have to respect a man who does his two favorite things at once.

2. David Ray – The instant I heard his Holocaust joke, I was a fan. I honestly think I cried the first time I heard that joke. Not only does David have a unique sense of humor, he has some of the most intelligent jokes I have ever heard. He is one of the few comics I can watch over and over again and still laugh at the same joke as if it’s the first time I heard it. David’s act can be summed-up in one word: Tonatiuh.

3. Mary Radzinski – Okay, so Mary’s been a stand-up for a little more than a year, but I had to include her on my list because both her stage presence and her jokes have skyrocketed this year. She crushed the prelims and semi-finals in Helium’s Philly’s Phunniest and it was a shame she didn’t make the finals. Her facial expressions, dry sarcasm and constant smile give her an act distinct from the rest of the Philadelphia comics. And one time, she let me crash at her place when I was too drunk to drive, and that was very, very nice.

4. Darryl Charles – Unfortunately, I have not seen Darryl as much as I have the other comics I mentioned, but that doesn’t keep him off my list. In the few times I have seen him, I was amazed at how comfortable he seemed on stage so early in his career. He’s engaging, he has great command of the crowd and most importantly, he has good, solid material. Not to mention that “MAN, SHUT THE FUCK UP!” may be my favorite quote of the year.

5. Bing Supernova – When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like Bing Supernova, Just. Like. Bing Supernova. But who is Bing Supernova? A prophet? An oracle? One thing we do know is that he’s a mystery. I don’t know if people know this, but Bing made appearances years ago performing under brilliant pseudonyms such as Allen Iverson, Donovan McNabb and Santa Claus to disguise his legendry. But in recent months, Bing (as himself!), has been performing all over the area with an act so genius – so epic, I don’t know if us stupid retards even understand it.

* See: Top Five Newer Comics of 2009

** See: Top Five Comics I want to see leave Philly

The Top 5 lists of 2009 continue…

Tabitha Vidaurri, The Sixth Borough

5.) Seeing the fabulous all-female improv group Children of a Lesser God open for Tim Meadows at Second City with Emily McGraw and Meg Favreau this summer during our Chicago trip. The show was hysterical, and we had a romantic tapas dinner beforehand.

4.) The January edition of Steal This Show at Connie’s Ric Rac. It was during what had to be the coldest night of the year, and the heat was broken. The audience huddled around space heaters and the comics were bundled up in coats and scarves during their sets. Brian and Paul of Secret Pants played a special edition of “Bush or Batman” with Corey’s parents, and Corey was wearing a skin-tight Star Trek jumpsuit the entire time. But really, just another typical night at the Ric Rac.

3.) Philly Sketchfest. Yes, this was recent, but it really was one of the most fun shows I’ve ever been a part of. I am a big fan of the joke told by our host, Bing Supernova, that goes “I love to masturbate on Sundays, which is why I was fired from Dairy Queen.” Allegedly there was a girl texting in the front row, but I thought the audience was pretty great. They were certainly shitting their pants with laughter during the Feeko Brothers’ set, which was good, because the Feeko Brothers were rubbing fake poo on their faces. (Thank you Dave, Matt and Ben and everybody else who put together Sketchfest, it really was a hoot.)

2.) BONERAMA! The all-female comedy show at The Shubin Theater in July. Meg Favreau did most of the work, while I danced to The Go-Go’s and told werewolf/period jokes. It was so great to watch standup by Mary Radzinski, Carolyn Busa, and Katrina Ohstrum, and to see charmingly deranged characters by Alexis Simpson and Jaime Fountaine. We had a classic Meg and Rob sketch explaining how to have sex, and the show ended with being touched, literally, by Kristen Schier as a crazy, amazing clown. What can I say? Girls just want to have lunch.

1.) The Kids and the Hall’s new series Death Comes to Town. Not only did we get to watch behind the scenes footage since the show’s inception, but the trailer provides evidence that the Kids have not lost their edge, if anything, it looks like they’ve gotten even more diabolically funny with age. The God of Comedy has answered my prayers, and not surprisingly, he is Canadian.

Honorable Mentions: Going to the Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horror Marathon with Rob B. and Doogie, karaoke with the Secret Pants gang, and the beautiful, ever-changing enigma that is Pat Kelly’s butthole.

As another year comes to a close, I asked a group of Philadelphia comedians for their Top 5 lists of the year. It could be the Top 5 anything really and the responses that I will be putting up over the next few weeks varied (see last year’s lists). Ok, get ready, here we go!

Tommy Papa, stand-up

1. CvA podcast of The Legendary Wid and John Kensil. It was great to hear their personal stories about the Philly comedy scene years ago. We bitch about the amount of stage time now; I can’t imagine what they went through. Also, hearing them berate Pittsburgh was a bonus. Pittsburgh is like a giant outdoor WalMart. It makes Quakertown look like a metropolis.

2. A Summer at Chucky Cheese by Gregg Gethard. All of Gregg’s stories are great, but this was my favorite because of my personal experiences with this creep infested funhouse. “This is how I ended up, holding a mouse head in a filthy utility closet, getting yelled at by a girl whose only talent on earth was the ability to blindly flip the radio dial from KISS FM to HOT 97 while going down on a 28-year-old cement mixer/numbers runner in the front seat of his fire red Camaro.”

3. Bing Supernova. After witnessing the impact of Fast ball pitcher Bob Gutierrez, Bing is proof there is room for more unique and refreshing characters in Philly. In one appearance, after a successful one liner about “a colored fella,” Bing abruptly cuts off the audience laughter by shouting, “Shut the fuck up!” I almost popped a rib.

4. Laff House vs. Luke Giordano. A woman making her stand up debut and invited her entire workplace to the Laff House on Wednesday night. Luke had the pleasure of following her. By the time he got to the stage, the group of women, (who closely resembled the thug cast of The Wire) were chest bumping and being disruptive. Luke’s first attempt was to politely ask them to have respect for the other comics and be quiet was immediately shot down by the ring leader when she stood up, pointed and hollered out, “Ooooh, die we hurrrrt his feeeelinds?!” Chest bumping again engulfed the room as Luke chose to bit his tongue and walk off rather than riot. Thank you for saving us Luke.

5. Jersey Shore on MTV. I’m half Italian. This show makes me wish I was 100% Scottish. Really? These Jersey scumbags are an accurate representation the Italian culture? That’s like going to the Mayfair section of Northeast Philly to discover the best the Irish have to offer. You won’t find culture, just alcoholic contractors with clover neck tattoos that are highly skilled in domestic violence. Bonus: The guys on the show aren’t capable of eating with their graphic tshirts on, and NJ “girls” are so exposed to steroids it’s become a top character trait. Also, “Snookie” the slutty chunky dwarf built like an egg roll, gets punched in the face by a Male high school teacher! I love you NJ.