Look, you don’t need me telling you that the situation in Haiti right now is awful. But if you are looking to donate some funds while seeing a great comedy show at the same time, think about making it out tonight to Connie’s Ric Rac for Bedtime Stories, the monthly themed sketch show [show info]. According to host/producer of the show, Gregg Gethard, all proceeds from the show will go to Haiti relief:

One of the coolest things about running Bedtime Stories is that, every so often, we get to raise money for some pretty great causes. We’re partnering up with the Samuel Dalembert Foundation next week in order to raise money for relief efforts in Haiti. The earthquake there is one of the worst tragedies of our lifetime; any little bit can really help out since, even in the best of times, a lot of people who live in Port-Au-Prince don’t have access to running water and proper health care.

In case you don’t know, Samuel Dalembert plays for the Sixers and was born in Haiti. His foundation was set up in order to assist children in his homeland. The foundation is now focusing on providing relief efforts since the tragedy of this past week.

Any money we make from the show is going to go to the The Samuel Dalembert Foundation. Also, we’re going to pass around a bucket (or something) so people can toss in some extra money.

Please come to this. On top of being for a really good cause, it’s going to be a great show. The topic is Philadelphia and we’ve got a bunch of awesome acts performing, including, for the first time at Bedtime Stories, the Hopper Brothers!

Also slated to be on the show are Jon Goff, Secret Pants, Meg and Rob, Camp Woods, Randi Warhol, Feeko Brothers and more.

The Comics Comic has a listing of other relief shows (pretty much all in NYC). And if you can’t make it to the show, there’s a list of good relief organizations here.

As we count down the hours until 2010, here are the last of the Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

Read More…

As we count down the hours until 2010, here are more Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

Doogie Horner, stand-up, host of The Ministry of Secret Jokes

5. Henry Foley vs. Luke Giordano at the Raven Lounge debate

The Raven debate is always entertaining, but this match was especially interesting because of the contestant’s diametrically opposite approaches. The debate was, Who would be a better wingman: Darth Vader or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? Luke had Vader and Foley had Scorpion. Foley took an early lead as the crowd favorite, being very personable and friendly, and clearly having fun. Luke came in all business. He appeared confident that his superior knowledge of Star Wars would give him an edge, but it actually worked against him since the crowd didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Foley easily walked all over him until the final round when he suggested that Scorpion would use his trademark “Get over here!” move to snare women from across the bar. The crowd thought that was really funny until Luke—in a stunning comeback—explained that what Foley had described was basically ninja rape.

Read More…

As we continue to count down 2009, the TOP 5 lists keep coming…

Ben Maher, co-founder/co-producer of Philly Sketchfest

5. “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC goes viral. It was great to see “Weird Al” debut an EP’s worth of new songs in video form on the internet, and once again gain a whole new generation of fans as he continues to spoof popular music better than anyone else.

4. LOCAL SHOWS continue to spotlight the best Philly has to offer. The Philadelphia comedy scene continues to prove that not only is it filled with hilarious comedians, but that it supports its own better than anywhere else. Shows such as Chip Chantry’s One Man Show (with Special Guests), Bedtime Stories, Ministry of Secret Jokes, Guilty Pleasures, Hey Everybody! and more showcase the amazing talent Philly has to offer. (and props to the venues that put them on like Khyber, PHIT, Connie’s Ric Rac, etc.)

3. KENT HAINES on Comedy Central. National exposure for Philadelphia comedy, featuring one of our funniest and most intelligent comics? Love it.

2. PAT HOUSE INTROS featuring the various incarnations of John Kensil. Absolutely awesome, nonstop hilarious and I hope they never end. The only time I laughed more than this all year was…

1. BING SUPERNOVA at PHILLY SKETCHFEST late show, Saturday night. (go ahead and call me biased, but PSF lucked out to have this performance. It would rank in this spot no matter where it was) A mighty juggernaut of over the top, tear inducing, stomach cramping laughs. This was the funniest 15 minutes of comedy I have seen in years, and the crowd agreed. Mr. Supernova graced this show with his presence, and we are all better for it. Bing Supernova, we thank you.

Honorable Mentions:
The STATE on DVD! (Finally!) & CINEMATIC TITANIC selling out at the Troc!

The next edition of Bedtime Stories is entitled “The Rhythm of the Night.” (show info) At this show, we will discuss the particulars of nightlife — what it’s like to get dressed up for an overpriced night on the town which can, and often does, result in STD transmission.

Performing at this show is Miami musician/raconteur Jose El Rey. For the uninitiated, Jose El Rey has taken the Miami music community by storm. His basslines are thumping; his sexuality is overwhelming.

Here is a brief Q&A with Jose El Rey as he starts to pack for his upcoming trip to the City of Brotherly Love.

1) For those who somehow have never heard of Jose El Rey, what can we expect to see at your performance?

You can expect to see a man blessed with a sexy voice, sexy moves and powerful jumps.

2) Why have you decided to extend the kingdom of Jose El Rey to Philadelphia?

I go where my presence is requested, when the brothers of Philadelphia called the bro from Miami (me) I had to say yes. I’ve never been to Philadelphia, but as long as they have beaches, pastelitos and Jupina, I’ll be alrite!

3) How hard is it to balance comedy with your crackling sexual energies?

My music is all about the sexual energies. The “comedy” is really just “nervous laughter” caused by how turned on the audience is by me. It’s kind of like getting almost caught masturbating by your mom.

We join Philadelphia stand-up comic/writer/host of BEDTIME STORIES (July’s show is the Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? extravaganza, more on that later) once again as he recounts his idyllic summer as an employee of Chuck E. Cheese.

PART 1

Dawn had her blonde hair teased as only a girl from North Jersey can tease her hair. I fucking hated her. She was a complete and total bitch to anyone she didn’t like, which was everyone, except for the parade of older shithead guidos she dated, the types of guys whose idea of a good time was to throw Coors Light empties out of a speeding car at homeless people.

Dawn and I were co-workers at Chuck E. Cheese, America’s foremost chain of birthday emporiums for germ-infected kids. My job duties were plentiful — kidnap prevention, game repair, game maintenance, merchandise counter, waiter, bus boy, dishwasher, breadstick cook, bathroom custodian and, of course, costumed entertainment.

For one glorious, defining summer, my job was to pretty much get into a giant rat costume and dance around for immigrant children.

This is how I ended up, holding a mouse head in a filthy utility closet, getting yelled at by a girl whose only talent on earth was the ability to blindly flip the radio dial from KISS FM to HOT 97 while going down on a 28-year-old cement mixer/numbers runner in the front seat of his fire red Camaro.

The rest of the story after the jump…

Read More…

This past December, as previously discussed, local comic Gregg Gethard decided to move his monthly topical sketch/monologue show BEDTIME STORIES away from the Philly Improv Theater and the Shubin. The show has landed at Connie’s Ric Rac on the Italian Market and the next installment is tonight with the theme of “An Evening at Applebee’s”. In addition to the lineup below “there’s actually a bit of a narrative arc with the show, which is something I’ve always wanted to try,” says Gregg. “I think it might end up as a really special night.”

Set to perform are:

Jon Goff
Action Section
Boy Meets Tractor
Little Miss Jamie Fountaine
Secret Pants
Meg and Rob
Chris Cotton and Friends
Animosity Pierre

Here’s the official commercial for the show:

Gregg is a frequent writer to C vs. A and in case you were too busy gettin’ it on, he wrote a Valentine’s Day story last week.

Can’t make it? Rob of the sketch group Meg & Rob will be twittering live (@bonyevitch) with a behind-the-scenes look at the show. Hey, by the way, we’re on Twitter as well (@comicvsaudience).

The show starts at 8PM and $10 will get you in. And it’s BYOB!

Valentine’s Day is a day of love. It’s a day of flowers. It’s a day of candy. It’s a day of Vermont Teddy Bears.

It is also a day that I once ruined for thousands of people.

This happened in 2002. I was a reporter for the Verona-Cedar Grove Times, easily one of the five worst newspapers in the country. (I know what I speak of as I have worked at three of the five worst newspapers in the world.) My main duties consisted of reporting on local school board issues, local real estate issues and other topics that made me vaguely suicidal.

One day, in early February, I received a call from a lady by the name of Bernice. She told me that she had a “pitch” for me as she had a “very important” story.

She had children who went to The Valley Educational Center, a private school for troubled kids from North Jersey. And, for Valentine’s Day, the kids at this school were going to put messages in puffy paint on t-shirts for folks who lived in a nearby nursing home.

Normally, I wouldn’t write about middle school students drawing hearts on t-shirts in puffy paint for a bunch of people waiting to die. But I decided to cover this story anyways. This was done for two primary reasons:

1. These kids were a bunch of juvenile delinquents. It was a collection of arsonists, thieves and rapists. And if there’s one rule I follow in life, it’s this: Always try to hang out with a group of pre-teen arsonists, thieves and rapists. Paricularly if there’s puffy paint involved.

2. This newspaper was a complete and total piece of shit. I covered stories way more retarded than this one. Earlier in my tenure at this paper, I wrote an article about a guy who grew a really big zucchini in his garden. It was the main story on the front page.

I went to the school, where I met Joel, the school’s executive principal and Robb, the school’s head principal. I have no clue what the difference between these two job titles exactly was. The only difference between them was Robb’s hair, which was straight out of the Jeff Ament collection.

“What you are doing for these kids… it’s just awesome and amazing. I mean, these kids have nothing positive in their lives at all,” Robb said. “So, for what you’re doing, we’re going to love you forever. After this article is written, we’re going to frame it for you.”

I told them that they didn’t have to do it. After all, I was a journalist, and I wasn’t allowed to accept gifts from people I was writing about. (However, I would have accepted the following: food, sporting event tickets, free passes to Loews’ cinema, free passes for Blockbuster videos, light drugs, a job reference, cash, and a new car, preferably a Lexus.)

Robb then told me that his brother was a reporter for the U.S. News and World Report. “He really misses writing these types of stories,” he said. “You know, the articles where you can really impact someone’s life.” I’m pretty sure his brother didn’t miss these types of stories. And I’m definitely sure he didn’t miss the $9.75 per hour wage.

Robb then asked me not to write anything that would “cause further harm” to these kids. I told him I would try my best not to, but that I would be writing down what Robb told me. He continued to talk about how fucked up these kids were.

“They’ve been damaged by life,” he said.

Finally, we made it to the art room. And there, as expected, were a bunch of messed up looking middle school kids – 8th graders with mustaches and/or wearing halter tops — putting puffy paint on t-shirts. I wish I could be more descriptive than that. But that’s all it was.

I went back to work and wrote this article. It could not have been easier. It’s a story that tells itself. Messed up kids who are “damaged by life” put puffy paint on t-shirts for elderly people. I finished the job and went on with my life.

Two days article, our paper came out. My boss, Milo, called me into his office.

“It’s that guy Robb from the school,” he said. “He’s on the phone. He’s crying.”

I blinked.

“What, is he crying tears of joy?”

“No, he’s pissed as shit.”

I picked up Milo’s phone.

“Hello?” I asked.

“You are a fucking asshole,” he said.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You are a fucking piece of shit.”

I asked him what his problem was. He continued to flip out on me.

“Everything in here is a misquote. We went over the rules. I didn’t want you to run anything that could hurt these kids,” he told me.

“I wrote down what you told me,” I said. “Plus, there’s not anything in there which could hurt anyone.”

“DAMAGED BY LIFE! YOU WROTE THAT THESE KIDS WERE DAMAGED BY LIFE!”

“Because that’s what you–”

“Do you know what you did by writing that? DO YOU?”

“No. Please tell me.”

“YOU RUINED VALENTINE’S DAY FOR THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES IN NORTH JERSEY. THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES. ALL OF WHOM WANTED TO READ THIS STORY. AND YOU RUINED VALENTINE’S DAY FOR THESE PEOPLE.”

Rob and I eventually parted ways, but not before this granola-head cursed at me a few more times.

So, if you’re one the people whose Valentine’s Day I ruined all those years ago, I’m sorry. However, if you’re one of the kids I wrote about in the article, you’re probably in jail anyways.

Gregg Gethard is a Philadelphia writer and comedian. His monthly comedy show BEDTIME STORIES is next Wednesday the 18th at Connie’s Ric Rac (1132 S. 9th) at 8PM.

It’s time again for the Philly Improv Theater’s week at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St). The week actually kicked off Monday with our show, but the meat of the week is still yet to come. It promises to be an interesting week with a film screening, state of the organization address and comedians from New York City and Chicago.

Tuesday, December 2
8 p.m. – The State of PHIT: As the year closes upon us, it’s time for the Philly Improv Theater to reflect on the accomplishments of 2008 and look forward to another great year of comedy. Thus the State of PHIT presentation with Artistic Director Alexis Simpson discussing the future content-wise, Founder Greg Maughan going over performer compensation and light snacks! EVERYONE is welcome to attend. You can read more about it here.

Wednesday, December 3
8 p.m. – Bedtime Stories: RICH PEOPLE, $10. Host Gregg Gethard presents the very last night of Bedtime Stories sketch, stories and other stuff at the Shubin Theatre.

10 p.m. – Why Am I Not Famous?!?: A Comedy Talk Show w/ Kent Haines, $5. Kent welcomes comedians sketch comedians Animosity Pierre and stand-up Brendan Kennedy.

Thursday, December 4
8 p.m. – The Throng & The Sketchy Players, $5. PHIT house team The Sketchy Players are joined by Haverford College’s longform improv team The Throng.

10 p.m. – CAGEMATCH: Activity Book vs. reigning champ Illegal Refill. $5. CAGEMATCH pits two groups against each other for 25-minute sets that can only use one audience suggestion. The audience decides the winner by secret ballot.

Friday, December 5
8 p.m. – The Dave Hill Explosion, $10. He’s back! NYC’s Dave Hill brings his explosion to explode all over your exploded lap. Expect awesome explosions, guests and maybe music.

10 p.m. – Omelet with Cubed, $10. Chicago improv duo Omelet performs with local favorites Cubed.

Saturday, December 6
8 p.m. – Omelet with Cubed, $10.
10 p.m. – The Dave Hill Explosion, $10.

Sunday, December 7
3 & 7 p.m. – Film Screening: GOLD, $10. A strange relic of the 1960s counter-culture, featuring improv-guru Del Close, this movie shows what happens when hippies get their hands on a camera and waaay to much acid. A short Q&A with the people responsible for restoring the film will follow each screening.

Folks, sometimes good things have to come to an end. And it with this in mind that we report that the monthly topical sketch/monologue show BEDTIME STORIES hosted by Gregg Gethard will no longer be seen at the Shubin Theatre after this Wednesday’s show.

The reason for the departure is a positive one, however, as the show has simply outgrown the 50 or so seats of the Shubin. Over the past two years, Gethard’s show has grown from an audience of just a few to a packed house. “I can’t believe how the show has grown over the past two years,” says Gregg. “It is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not used to success (aside from marrying the coolest girl in the world) so the show taking off the way it has is so incredibly special to me.”

“I just want to give a shout out to Greg Maughan and Alexis Simpson, the driving forces behind PHIT,” Greg continues. “They both do an outstanding job with PHIT, which really has become, in my opinion, the center of the Philly alt-comedy community. But we all agree that it’s best the show moves forward.”

The plan is to setup the show at the recently re-opened Connie’s Ric Rac on the Italian Market which is already the host of Corey Cohen’s Steal This Show. If everything goes as planned, the first show will be in February with the topic of “An Evening At Applebee’s”.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the Bedtime Stories topic of “Rich People” this Wednesday at the Shubin Theatre, 8PM.