Comic Vs. Audience » Bedtime Stories

Bedtime Stories raises money for Haiti tonight

Dave Walk — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 13:52:13 +0000

Look, you don’t need me telling you that the situation in Haiti right now is awful. But if you are looking to donate some funds while seeing a great comedy show at the same time, think about making it out tonight to Connie’s Ric Rac for Bedtime Stories, the monthly themed sketch show [show info]. According to host/producer of the show, Gregg Gethard, all proceeds from the show will go to Haiti relief:

One of the coolest things about running Bedtime Stories is that, every so often, we get to raise money for some pretty great causes. We’re partnering up with the Samuel Dalembert Foundation next week in order to raise money for relief efforts in Haiti. The earthquake there is one of the worst tragedies of our lifetime; any little bit can really help out since, even in the best of times, a lot of people who live in Port-Au-Prince don’t have access to running water and proper health care.

In case you don’t know, Samuel Dalembert plays for the Sixers and was born in Haiti. His foundation was set up in order to assist children in his homeland. The foundation is now focusing on providing relief efforts since the tragedy of this past week.

Any money we make from the show is going to go to the The Samuel Dalembert Foundation. Also, we’re going to pass around a bucket (or something) so people can toss in some extra money.

Please come to this. On top of being for a really good cause, it’s going to be a great show. The topic is Philadelphia and we’ve got a bunch of awesome acts performing, including, for the first time at Bedtime Stories, the Hopper Brothers!

Also slated to be on the show are Jon Goff, Secret Pants, Meg and Rob, Camp Woods, Randi Warhol, Feeko Brothers and more.

The Comics Comic has a listing of other relief shows (pretty much all in NYC). And if you can’t make it to the show, there’s a list of good relief organizations here.

TOP 5 Lists of 2009 (the last of them!)

Dave Walk — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 20:33:06 +0000

As we count down the hours until 2010, here are the last of the Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

3. DAVID RAY’S “HOLOCAUST”

David Ray came out of nowhere this year and this simple, short punch to the balls of a joke was all anyone on the scene could talk about for the whole month of June. It’s hard to imagine someone rising higher and faster than he did this summer and this joke stood out among the rest, though all very good. He uses sexual frustration by initially painting a picture of a first time gone wrong and then throws us a curve ball of Holocaust denial that has gotten more consistent cheers for a single joke than I can recall otherwise.

2. KENT HAINES’ “ENGAGEMENT STORY”

This bit was the culmination of Kent’s wealth of material on his relationship with his longtime girlfriend, (and now fiancee). The theme of arrested development in relation to his dealings with his girlfriend is dominant in throughout his act and it all comes to a head with this bit. He has to come to terms with the fact that he’s going to marry this girl but even in this process he can’t help but feel inadequate as his eager girlfriend tells him the mother of all proposal stories that happened to one of her girlfriends (she obviously wanting something similar from him) to the point that he is filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and panic. The subtext of much of Kent’s act — and important subtext that surely ultimately led to his appearance on television — is that he does love his girlfriend and does want to get married and start a family with her someday, but there’s something inside of him that really would rather stay in and play Nintendo forever. He’s tapped into the zeitgeist of men in their early twenties who aren’t quite ready to go all in, as well as their girlfriends who might be pushing them a bit too hard.

1. ANTON SHUFORD “BASEBALL”

What other bit than this one could be number one? This is just a great fucking story. One with twists and turns and surprises. One that builds and builds and never lets up for a second. This is a joke that makes you side with and ever cheer on a guy who does so many things that are thoroughly reprehensible, and who does them one right after the other, and on top of all that, uses shaky (at best) logic to defend himself, but still, Anton is so charismatic, convicted, likable, and such a gifted storyteller that not for a second are you disgusted with him or siding with the disabled child who is victim of his selfishness. He sweeps you up right from the get-go and doesn’t let you down until he’s done with you. And at that point, you’ve been laughing and applauding for the past five minutes so you don’t even have the time, the want, or the need to ask any moral questions on what has just happened. It has to be said, this bit really is a masterstroke.

Meg Favreau of Meg & Rob

1.) Alli Soowol as Kitten

Everyone who I perform with in the Real Housewives of Philadelphia is
so incredibly talented and funny and good, so I hope the other ladies
aren’t offended that I’m giving a special shout out to Alli’s
character. Kitten is a weird-talking, rhinestone-wearing, possibly
mentally deficient woman-child who doles out sage advice and wraps up
story lines at just the right time, and I’m in awe of her.

2.) Bedtime Stories

This is a cop out. Oh, I love Bedtime Stories, but picking it allows
me to include the following things in one item: Secret Pants’ prom in
three minutes, Jon Goff’s PowerPoint presentations, and the utter joy
that is the Greggulator.

3.) Roger Snair’s Script at Guilty Pleasures

I was there for the first performance of this, the one when the
Phillies were playing and almost no one showed up. But oh my god,
what a strange, amazing script and performance. Numerous times the
performers broke down in the middle of their sentences because they
were laughing too damn hard.

4.) Sketch Up or Shut Up

This is a sketch-comedy open mic I started earlier this year. I know
that picking a show I host for my top five list is kind of lame, but
it’s also been the location of some of the best and weirdest stuff
I’ve seen this year, like Dave Walk and Aaron Hertzog’s call-in show
and Brian Kelly and Paul Triggiani singing product jingles by request
to the tunes of popular songs. And all of the performers and audience
members have been so supportive and friendly.

5.) John Kensil’s Video for Chip’s Moon Contest

If I am laughing and constantly asking “What?” during something, that
usually means I love it. Filming NASA interviews in the backyard in
front of tomato plants? What? Amazing. I am also including this
video on this list in hopes that it will spur John to put the thing
online. JOHN. PUT THE THING ONLINE.

PS – That whole moon show was great. Brendan Kennedy in the Iron Man outfit? Aaron Hertzog and Luke Giordano’s moon party thing? All so good.

Bryce Remsburg of Secret Pants

1. Jon Goff

-This dude is a genius. Seriously. I have never seen him do anything but kill an audience. He is consistently the highlight of Bedtime Stories. One specific show doesn’t stick out, because they are all so amazing. He has taken something so simple as a powerpoint presentation, and makes it hilarious every time. Not to mention he makes a fine Roller derby play-by-play announcer and a fine Terrordome host.

2. Kent Haines on Comedy Central

-While the thought of doing stand up comedy petrifies me, this was a feeling of community accomplishment. A guy that is one of us fledgling Philly comedians (for now) was on TV! Paul F. Tompkins introduced him! His name was spelled correctly in my DVR! His American Apparel shirt didn’t fit right! Also, I miss “Why Am I Not Famous?” greatly, the Rowan and Hastings swansong was a special evening.

3. Greggulator at Philly’s Phunniest

-I was laughing to the point of tears during this entire performance. He gets baby powder in some unsuspecting patron’s drink. He shoots a t-shirt into the audience with a homemade slingshot at Helium. The confused silence following some of his jokes. I haven’t just been capitalizing He because it appears at the beginning of the sentence. He is a God to me, the closest thing we have to our own Andy Kaufman.

4. Ascension: Gutierrez

-The Chicago Cubs loss is Philadelphia comedy’s gain. I consider myself lucky to have been present for his rookie year here. He adapts to any situation, be it Johnny Goodtimes’ backyard, the Trocadero mainstage, singing at the Shubin, or giving advice at the Khyber (which led to him being punched in the testicles by Meg Favreau). If you have not experienced Fastball Pitcher Bob Guiterrez live, do yourself a favor.

5. Meg Favreau and Rob Baniewicz

-I’m not referring to their little comedy troupe here, but them as people. I cannot imagine our “scene” without them. They make any show better, be it performing or spectating, and are so incredibly positive, and supportive of everything. I may literally smile when I see them somewhere. Sketch Up or Shut Up is a fantastic, widely untapped idea. I’m so glad they like me.

Dave Terruso’s (Animosity Pierre) Top Five Lines From Philly Comedy (in no particular order and without context)

(Please note, most of these happened in the past month as I have a horrible memory)

1. Bing Supernova’s (Chip Chantry’s) joke, “I accidentally poured a gallon of maple syrup on my poodle this morning. And by accidentally, I mean angrily.”

2. Aaron Hertzog’s line, “If I sh*t myself somewhere, I’m done with that place.”

3. BAD Creations’ Daryl Charles’ line, “I don’t know MY dad.”

4. Fastball Pitcher Bob Gutierrez’s (Brian Craig’s) line “Chip Chantry, I think I have motion sickness.”

5. Doogie Horner’s line: “My friend asked me, he said, ‘If you could be any animal, what animal would you choose to be?’ And I said an eagle. And he said, ‘Why, so you could fly?’ And I said no, so I could, you know, finally have sex with eagles.”

TOP 5 Lists of 2009 (yet even more!)

Dave Walk — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:17:35 +0000

As we count down the hours until 2010, here are more Top 5 of 2009 lists from Philadelphia comedians.

Doogie Horner, stand-up, host of The Ministry of Secret Jokes

5. Henry Foley vs. Luke Giordano at the Raven Lounge debate

The Raven debate is always entertaining, but this match was especially interesting because of the contestant’s diametrically opposite approaches. The debate was, Who would be a better wingman: Darth Vader or Scorpion from Mortal Kombat? Luke had Vader and Foley had Scorpion. Foley took an early lead as the crowd favorite, being very personable and friendly, and clearly having fun. Luke came in all business. He appeared confident that his superior knowledge of Star Wars would give him an edge, but it actually worked against him since the crowd didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. Foley easily walked all over him until the final round when he suggested that Scorpion would use his trademark “Get over here!” move to snare women from across the bar. The crowd thought that was really funny until Luke—in a stunning comeback—explained that what Foley had described was basically ninja rape.

4. Roger Snair beating Gregg Gethard in a Yo Mamma Battle at the Fringe Cabaret.

This show was kind of an uphill battle, because a large portion of the audience were artsy people who’d come to the cabaret to see interpretive dance and such. They did get to see some of that, but they also saw one of the dirtiest—and awesomest—yo mamma battles I’ve ever seen.

The battle started with a pack of eight that slowly whittled down to two players in the final round: Gregg Gethard vs. Roger Snair. Gregg’s Yo Mama snaps were very creative. They were actually long, rambling short stories more than “snaps.” One of them was (and I’m paraphrasing) “Yo Mama asked if she could be my slave. I said yes. Then she asked me how much she’d be getting paid, which means she doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “slave.” So I drowned her in the fountain outside the Cherry Hill Mall. Lots of people saw her dead body floating there, and they laughed, because it’s weird to see a dead body somewhere like that where you don’t expect to see it.”

Roger’s snaps were very short, and also creative in their own way, but totally different than Gregg’s: “Yo Mama is so ugly, the WNBA won’t let her play.” “Yo Mama is so stinky, skunks think she smells.” Near the end, you could tell he had obviously run out of snaps, and was making them up on the spot. He would speak haltingly, his eyes looking up at the ceiling, clearly unsure what his next words would be. “Your Mama . . . is sooooo stinky . . .” a long pause, then his eyes would light up, “she can clear a room!” The crowd loved the genuine, guileless enthusiasm he exuded.

Like Henry and Luke’s debate, it was a great battle because the two comics had very original styles that were polar opposites. Roger wasn’t even originally scheduled to battle, he just jumped in. And fucking nailed it.

3. Bing Supernova

Chip Chantry’s alter ego Bing Supernova has been around for a while, but it wasn’t until this year Bing really found his groove. Bing tells the jokes Chip Chantry can write but never tell because he’s too nice. “Have you ever gotten an erection in a place you shouldn’t? Like your mouth?” His Michael Jordan joke is incredible, so is his “When I fight, I telegraph my moves,” joke, but I don’t want to ruin either of them here. My hope is that Bing Supernova becomes so famous that he completely overshadows Chip Chantry, forcing Chip to wear a beret and blazer and scream obscene anti-semitic jokes for the rest of his career—which, actually, isn’t such an awful fate.

2. John Kensil’s Chicken Nuggets joke

“You know, when you go through the McDonald’s drive-thru late at night, the service isn’t always the best. I got some chicken nuggets from there a couple nights ago. I’m driving home and one of the nuggets starts to ring.” (pantomimes picking up a phone) “Hello?” “Hey, tell Duane I’ve got his Blockbuster card.”

1. The WID at the Ministry of Secret Jokes

The WID is my favorite comedian of all time (sorry Bob Hope, wherever you are). But my admiration and respect for his comedy reached a new height after seeing him do a half hour at the Ministry of Secret Jokes Bachelor Party (full disclosure—the bachelor party was mine). The room was packed, it was the end of the show, and crowd was a little rowdy. The WID got off to a smooth start, telling a few marriage jokes: “Doogie said when he gets home he’s going to rip Jen’s underwear off. The elastic waistband is killing him.”

Then he brought out the props.

If you’ve never seen the WID before, he dumps huge containers of props all over the stage and then makes lighting fast puns about them. For instance, at one point he angrily shook a pair of small shoes at the crowd. “Who put these here? Who put these here? Oh you little sneaks.” His jokes are very fast, and he’s incredible at thinking on his feet. Which came in handy when this drunk in the front row started making fun of the WID’s pants. So the WID said “Hey, stop looking at my pants. Or as they say in Spain, ‘Leave my pantalones.’” The crowd loved it. Making fun of the WID on stage is like standing between a mother grizzly and her cub, if grizzlies told jokes while they mauled you. This guy in the front kept fucking with the WID—talking during the show, not laughing—and the WID didn’t miss a beat, he’d make fun of the dude and then slip right back into the act. At one point he held up a white trash bag and said “Here, you can hang out with the rest of the white trash,” before dropping it at the guy’s feet. The guy wanted to murder the WID, but then the WID would say something so funny the guy had to laugh. That’s powerful comedy, taking someone who wants to punch you and making them laugh.

I’ve seen plenty of comics get lengthy applause breaks, but before that night I’d never seen a comedian have to pause because people were loudly chanting his name—WID! WID! WID! And then the WID would scream “bring up more props!” and three guys would bring giant tupperware containers on stage and he’d spill them everywhere and keep going. Nobody follows the WID, because there’s nowhere to stand on the stage.

Kent Haines’ Top 5 Jokes of 2009

It’s hard for me to remember if these jokes were all written in 2009, but they’re the 5 jokes that made me laugh the hardest.

5. Chip Chantry – Wheel of Fortune
If I had to point to a single joke in Chip’s act that exemplifies his sense of humor and persona, I’d pick this one. His Wheel of Fortune bit does an excellent job of establishing his sensibility with the crowd and giving them a taste of what’s to come. And structurally, it’s airtight. The type of joke you can only write when you have gained an intuitive feel for stand-up.

4. Joey Dougherty – Self-Esteem
Again, this joke instantly gives the crowd an insight into Joey as a comedian and a person. The Philly scene has a lot of ramblers, but Joey understands the economy of words and getting straight to the heart of a joke. I’ll be quoting this joke to friends for a long time.

3. Darryl Charles – Asparagus
Darryl has really impressed me this year, but this joke in particular keeps me laughing every time I see it. Darryl’s performance takes a solid premise and elevates it wonderfully.

2. Luke Giordano – Boba Fett
Boba Fett was a solid joke. Luke did it for months, and it always got a decent response. And then he ripped it apart and rewrote it from scratch, turning a good bit into a killer bit. I am really impressed with Luke’s commitment to get every drop out of a joke, as well as his willingness to throw out good jokes and search for better ones.

1. Anton Shuford – Baseball
Anton won Philly’s Phunniest this year, and it’s this joke that shows why he deserves it. Anton plays a game with the crowd where he exposes bigger and bigger flaws in his character and dares the crowd to stop liking him. And night after night, they can’t. In fact, they love him even more for it. Just a fantastically written story.

Gregg Gethard’s Top 5 Philly Comedy’s Best Moments for 2009

1.) Doogie Horner’s Bachelor Party Ministry of Secret Jokes: Top to bottom the best comedy show I’ve ever been to, let alone a part of.

2.) David Ray’s performance at Helium’s contest: A true “Where the f did this guy come from” moment.

3.) An Evening at Applebee’s Bedtime Stories: The best BS of the year, including a breakout appearance from the debuting Chris Cru Thick.

4.) Anything involving Bing Supernova.

5.) Emily and Micah’s performance at the Shubin.

Brian Craig of Secret Pants

5. – The “Kick the Keg” Backyard Show
With half a keg leftover from a show the previous night, Chip Chantry and Johnny Goodtimes decided to throw together a short-notice, by-invitation-only comedy show in Johnny’s backyard (which is the size of my bedroom). An incredibly awesome, incredibly intimate night of hilarity ensued. Twenty years from now, everybody will claim to have been there.

4. – Emily & Micah McGraw
When we were choosing acts to open for our two Shubin shows in November, we just went with people that we wanted to watch. Emily and Micah were at the very top of the list. And beyond the hilarious, catchy tunes, these guys are just plain adorable. My favorite songs: “Cat on the Street”, “Tasers”, “America”

3. – The Philadelphia Comedy Community
This is kind of a holdover from 2008, but the Philly comedy group-o’-friends really solidified this year. Not only were there some really great monthly shows (like Chip’s “One Man Show”, Gregg Gethard’s “Bedtime Stories”, and Kent Haines’ late “Why Am I Not Famous??!??”), but there were also some wonderful social gatherings, such as Aaron Hertzog’s Super Bowl get-together, Dave Walk’s Halloween party and everyone getting together at Murph’s to watch the Phillies during the post-season. The sketch and stand-up sub-communities have become fast friends and I wouldn’t be surprised if 2010 brought with it some very interesting and exciting collaborations.

2. – Aaron Hertzog, the handsomest man you ever did see
I have no hesitation in predicting that Aaron will be the next big thing to come out of Philadelphia. He is easily one of the best jokesmiths in the city and he has a comfortable stage presence. Almost all of my favorite jokes right now belong to Aaron. To list a few: the “Hide-and-Go-Seek Killer” bit, his bit about how he’s an unlikely abduction target, the story about his mom bringing him a clean pair of pants to work, and, of course, his “handsomest man” intro.

1. – Secret Pants, five years deep / Brian Kelly’s 30th birthday show
2009 marked our fifth year together as a group, effectively culminating in a montage Paul cobbled together to surprise BK onstage for his birthday during our show at the Shubin. We’ve come a long way together, from fresh-faced college graduates to balding, tired semi-grownups with jobs, responsibilities, and, for more than half of us, mortgages. I’ve really enjoyed growing up with these guys and it’s an honor to be able to create funny stuff with them on a regular basis. And the added bonus of being in this group of exceptionally talented people is that we’ve had the opportunity, especially this year, to perform alongside some amazing comedians and sketch groups. Hitting the five-year mark made me look back on all the people we’ve met and become friends with and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Thanks, guys. You’re true blue.

TOP 5 Lists of 2009

Dave Walk — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:44:18 +0000

As we continue to count down 2009, the TOP 5 lists keep coming…

Ben Maher, co-founder/co-producer of Philly Sketchfest

5. “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC goes viral. It was great to see “Weird Al” debut an EP’s worth of new songs in video form on the internet, and once again gain a whole new generation of fans as he continues to spoof popular music better than anyone else.

4. LOCAL SHOWS continue to spotlight the best Philly has to offer. The Philadelphia comedy scene continues to prove that not only is it filled with hilarious comedians, but that it supports its own better than anywhere else. Shows such as Chip Chantry’s One Man Show (with Special Guests), Bedtime Stories, Ministry of Secret Jokes, Guilty Pleasures, Hey Everybody! and more showcase the amazing talent Philly has to offer. (and props to the venues that put them on like Khyber, PHIT, Connie’s Ric Rac, etc.)

3. KENT HAINES on Comedy Central. National exposure for Philadelphia comedy, featuring one of our funniest and most intelligent comics? Love it.

2. PAT HOUSE INTROS featuring the various incarnations of John Kensil. Absolutely awesome, nonstop hilarious and I hope they never end. The only time I laughed more than this all year was…

1. BING SUPERNOVA at PHILLY SKETCHFEST late show, Saturday night. (go ahead and call me biased, but PSF lucked out to have this performance. It would rank in this spot no matter where it was) A mighty juggernaut of over the top, tear inducing, stomach cramping laughs. This was the funniest 15 minutes of comedy I have seen in years, and the crowd agreed. Mr. Supernova graced this show with his presence, and we are all better for it. Bing Supernova, we thank you.

Honorable Mentions:
The STATE on DVD! (Finally!) & CINEMATIC TITANIC selling out at the Troc!

INTERVIEW: Jose El Rey

Gregg Gethard — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:53:15 +0000

The next edition of Bedtime Stories is entitled “The Rhythm of the Night.” (show info) At this show, we will discuss the particulars of nightlife — what it’s like to get dressed up for an overpriced night on the town which can, and often does, result in STD transmission.

Performing at this show is Miami musician/raconteur Jose El Rey. For the uninitiated, Jose El Rey has taken the Miami music community by storm. His basslines are thumping; his sexuality is overwhelming.

Here is a brief Q&A with Jose El Rey as he starts to pack for his upcoming trip to the City of Brotherly Love.

1) For those who somehow have never heard of Jose El Rey, what can we expect to see at your performance?

You can expect to see a man blessed with a sexy voice, sexy moves and powerful jumps.

2) Why have you decided to extend the kingdom of Jose El Rey to Philadelphia?

I go where my presence is requested, when the brothers of Philadelphia called the bro from Miami (me) I had to say yes. I’ve never been to Philadelphia, but as long as they have beaches, pastelitos and Jupina, I’ll be alrite!

3) How hard is it to balance comedy with your crackling sexual energies?

My music is all about the sexual energies. The “comedy” is really just “nervous laughter” caused by how turned on the audience is by me. It’s kind of like getting almost caught masturbating by your mom.

A SUMMER AT CHUCK E. CHEESE by Gregg Gethard

Gregg Gethard — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:39:00 +0000

We join Philadelphia stand-up comic/writer/host of BEDTIME STORIES (July’s show is the Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? extravaganza, more on that later) once again as he recounts his idyllic summer as an employee of Chuck E. Cheese.

PART 1

Dawn had her blonde hair teased as only a girl from North Jersey can tease her hair. I fucking hated her. She was a complete and total bitch to anyone she didn’t like, which was everyone, except for the parade of older shithead guidos she dated, the types of guys whose idea of a good time was to throw Coors Light empties out of a speeding car at homeless people.

Dawn and I were co-workers at Chuck E. Cheese, America’s foremost chain of birthday emporiums for germ-infected kids. My job duties were plentiful — kidnap prevention, game repair, game maintenance, merchandise counter, waiter, bus boy, dishwasher, breadstick cook, bathroom custodian and, of course, costumed entertainment.

For one glorious, defining summer, my job was to pretty much get into a giant rat costume and dance around for immigrant children.

This is how I ended up, holding a mouse head in a filthy utility closet, getting yelled at by a girl whose only talent on earth was the ability to blindly flip the radio dial from KISS FM to HOT 97 while going down on a 28-year-old cement mixer/numbers runner in the front seat of his fire red Camaro.

The rest of the story after the jump…

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing out there? Huh? I have to do the birthday dance while you’re out there looking like a retard. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I guess I was a bit of a loose cannon as a dancer. You had to be if you wanted to compete with Jim. Jim ran the kitchen and never spoke more than a few words at a time. He’d just cast an empty stare into the pizza over and announce when an order was finished.

But Jim liked to leave the kitchen area on occasion to don the Chuck E. Cheese costume. And when he did, he was pure electricity. Jim would dance on chairs, do somersaults, run onto tables and lead large Congo lines throughout the facility. Jim was a genius. He was the best Chuck E. Cheese performer amongst the staff of the Route 10 East Hanover branch. He was untouchable.

But I wanted to make a case for number two. The other Chuck E. Cheese performers often gave tedious performances. I could understand mailing in a performance, especially after a long day of serving pizzas and redeeming plastic trinkets for prize tickets.

But I could only understand mailing it in. I never did. Not if I wanted to be number two.

At the very least, I could better than George. George was 26 and had a tube in the back of his head which kept his skull from expanding. He was about 40 pounds overweight and a heavy smoker. He was the first person, out of many, I would meet at a shitty job who would have the corporate rules and regulations handbook memorized.

“Black shirts go with brown belts, Gregg. White shirts get tucked in.”

“There are only 18 pieces of pepperoni on this pie. Send it back to Kitchen and tell them to make sure there are 20.”

“The plug for the Jurassic Park sit-down game does not go into that outlet.”

George also loved performing as Chuck E. Cheese. He would rigidly to the performance as per the training video. He would never stray from the “Birthday Dance.” He would never throw in a macarena or a sexy hip wiggle.

It was a metaphor for my life — would my individualism shine through in the face of such oppressive corporate attitudes? Would I be able to dance The Birthday Song as I saw fit, with my own impressions, or would the forces of management, at least through the eyes of a semi-retarded guy, make me do the standard swim dance followed by the watusi? Would I manage to trump a 26-year-old porn addict whose mom drove him to and from work, since he couldn’t drive because of the tube in his head which kept his skull from expanding?

It would be a test of wills.

George loved Dawn. He called her about seven times a night. Once, his fat mother even came into the store to ensure her it would be okay if she wanted to come over for dinner.

She didn’t.

After performing as Chuck E. Cheese, it was custom to go back to the kitchen for a drink and a few slices of pizza or breadsticks. This time, Dawn followed me, continuing to insult my dancing abilities.”I don’t think you understand how much of an idiot I look like dancing when you’re dancing like an asshole. Just do The Birthday Dance like you’re supposed to.”

Albert slammed down his pizza knife and looked over at us. He was a Christian convert from Nigeria. The only thing he hated more than loud arguments in the kitchen was Jews. He announced one day he would attack any Jews he met as they killed Christ. At least half the staff was Jewish.

Dawn continued to browbeat me. Finally, I lost it.

“Buh buh buh buh.” I screamed in her face. “I’m a dumb guidette! I’m a dumb guidette!”

“WHAT did you just call me?”

“I called you a dumb, worthless guidette. And I barely, rarely give a deuce what the fuck you think about my dancing. Buh buh buh buh.”

The whole kitchen just stopped to look at me. Everyone in the kitchen stopped what they were doing to watch my fit.

Arthur, the assistant manager who smoked pot with me back by the dumpster, looked at me.

“Did you just say that you ‘barely, rarely give a deuce?’ What the fuck does that even mean? Why are you saying ‘buh buh buh’ so much? Is that even English?”

I looked at him. The entire staff was laughing at me.

I then clocked out for my lunch break.

PART 2

The only thing Ronnie ever talked about were cheat codes for whatever fantasy game for his Sega he just purchased. It was another day of toiling in silence with Ronnie, fixing games and cleaning up spilled soda and dropped pizza.

Pete, the manager, then came running to us. Pete was always intense. His job was to oversee the smooth operations of a Chuck E. Cheese outlet and he put all of his energy into doing just that. He’d always talk about his chronic headaches and discuss his marital strife with his teenage employees.

“We have an emergency in the ballpit. Code Brown. It’s a Code Brown. I need you two over there with garbage bags and shovels, pronto.”

Ronnie and I went over to the ballpit. We saw two crying children, pointing inside the ballpit.

“Some other kid just went poopie in the ballpit. It wasn’t me, though, it was some other kid.” I looked at the rear of this kid’s pants. They seemed to be filled with diarrhea, hopefully his own.

Smeared across dozens of balls was, indeed, poopie. It was liquid in its nature. No doubt, the Chuck E. Cheese breadsticks did a number on this kid’s intestinal tract.

Pete told me and Ronnie to go into the ball pit and shovel all of the balls into the plastic bags. And then we were to go and hose off the balls and return them when they were cleaned.

So there I was, shoveling shit-drenched balls out of a ballpit into plastic bags with a deaf-mute Final Fantasy addict.

Our only conversation would come when children would want to come into the ballpit. I’d have to tell them it was closed. They’d always inquire why.

“Poopie. There’s a looooooot of poopie in there.”

Finally, after about an hour, all the balls, and the fecal matter, were in plastic bags. We took them out to the parking lot behind the kitchen, conveniently located right in front of the lobby of the area’s most popular movie theater.

Ronnie held open a bag. And I then started to hose off shit-smeared balls for the Chuck E. Cheese ballpit. In a lifetime of lowly moments, this was definitely one of the worse.

But my public shaming was not complete. Now driving past the parking lot was a gang of dickheads who went to high school with me. Here I was, standing in a parking lot in the retarded Chuck E. Cheese outfit, complete with visor, hosing off balls, while these tanned, musclehead assholes in a convertible bought with Daddy’s “construction” money driving by, yelling my name (“Faggot”), and throwing Coors Light empties at me.

I then told Ronnie we were done. No one was by the dishwasher. I took the fecal-infested balls and threw them in the dishwasher, along with the plates and cups and everything else a restaurant uses.Fortunately, I did not create an e coli scare.

PART 3

From one side of the crowded Chuck E. Cheese walked a white trash lady with all the needed acoutrements — a big Jersey perm, swishy running pants, caked on make-up, the wide eyes of a coke binge and an ugly, overweight child. From the other side came this ghetto fabulous Newark girl — neck tattoo, Cross Colour shirt w/ matching pants and an ugly, overweight child.

They both converged in front of the merchandise table I was sitting behind, hoping to join the masses who wanted to exchange their tickets for valuable plastic backscratchers, pencil erasers and neon green T-Shirts with stenciled cartoon frogs.

“Move, bitch, I was fuckin’ here first.”

“No, you move, you trashy-ass whore.”

It was on. Punches were thrown, hair was pulled and bodies hit the floor. The string of obscenities were absurd in their violence and tone. Parents were watching and kids were screaming.

I couldn’t stop laughing; because, as per my custom when working merch, I was really high.

Pete, the manager, rushed the scene and pulled the ladies apart. They were STILL trying to get at each other.

Finally, after they left, Pete called me into the kitchen. He then proceeded to berate me for not doing more to stop the fight.

I couldn’t stop laughing; I was still really high when this guy was browbeating me for not hopping the merch counter to intervene in this brawl.

PART 4

My co-worker Nick and I had one thing in common — an undying attraction for sexy, older women. Chuck E. Cheese. was filled with MILFs.

We devised a system, breaking Chuck E. Cheese into various quadrants.

“Nick, MILF red, Sector 4″ meant for Nick to head to the skeeball racks to see 38-year-old woman wearing a very short skirt.

Nick or I would then get into the Chuck E. Cheese costume. Eventually, Chuck E. would mosey over to the sector and start to hug children. Then, Chuck E. would end up inappropriately hugging a mother of two, hoping to avoid a lawsuit.

PART 5

Kid Check was one of the more annoying jobs I’ve ever had. I would stand at the front of the store and stamp a number onto the hands of children with their adult supervisor. Kids could not leave the store unless they had the same number as the adult trying to leave with them.

Essentially, I was The Wall between a child and his or her brutal rape and murder…all for minimum wage.

On top of my worries that my shameful photograph would be plastered on the evening news after I inadvertently let a 9-year-old leave with a man who would keep her chained in a tomb while he filmed her, this job could be painfully boring. During slow times, when there wasn’t anyone in the store, all I did was just sit at the front like a complete and total asshole.

To counter the boredom, I would bring in a book to read. The first book was Camus’ The Stranger. One soccer mom asked me what I was reading. She asked me what it was about.

“The existentialist quandry of everyday life, as seen through the prism of the murder of an Arab.”

She walked away without saying anything.

One day, I didn’t have a book to read. An African-American co-worker of mine lent me her copy of Waiting to Exhale.

Every African-American woman who walked past me would stop and talk my ear off about the book and explain to me about how it was just like their life.

Chuck E. Cheese helped me gain a better understanding of the life experiences of other races and genders, at least through Terry McMillan’s worldview.

PART 6

One day, I was at Kid Check. And who walks in, but none other than then-New York Giants head coach and football legend Dan Reeves.

It was his grandson’s birthday. He sat down at a table and was then surrounded by every guy in the store — a combination of big Giants’ fans and dads insanely bored from being at Chuck E. Cheese.

I had to get in costume and do The Birthday Dance for Dan Reeves’ grandson. I went up to Coach Reeves and made him get up and do the twist. He somehow did this and managed not to break his hip.

Later on in the day, Dan Reeves, football legend, put about $15 worth of quarters in The Who’s Tommy pinball game (”Touch Me. Feel Me. Play Me.”), not seeing the large “OUT OF ORDER” sign right on top of it.

“Thank you, son,” he said as I reimbursed him for his token loss.

No wonder he couldn’t win a Super Bowl with John Elway.

PART 7

“Fuck. It’s Dauber.”

Those three words sent shivers down the spine of any and all of the East Hanover Chuck E. Cheese employees. Dauber was a regular customer at Chuck E. Cheese, always coming with his nephew, Robbie.

He was called Dauber because of his stunning resemblance to four time Oscar-award winning actor Bill Faggerblake, the man who portrayed the loveably dim-witted assistant Dauber on TV’s Coach. Dauber also constantly wore a mesh blue football jersey for a team entitled “The Dusters” with the number 43.

He was also a complete and total asshole. Rude, pushy, degrading — this guy was a nightmare. He would come into Chuck E. Cheese, condescendingly say the name on your nametag, and say something like: “I would like a bag of tokens now. Hurry up before I get your manager” or “Return this pizza, boy, it’s cold.”

We all longed for a way to get back at this dick. The unwritten “code” stated that you could do this by humiliating and/or assaulting the child of a patron. The resetting of a heated video game, a quick judo toss in the ball pit or taking a child’s redemption tickets were always a good way to take out the deep rage of a crummy minimum wage job on an innocent.

But I was previously burned by the “code” in an attempt to strike back against a small child. A mother and a father were particularly bothersome to me when I served them their food. I sought justice by tripping their daughter in the game room as she ran by me. I was caught by her parents in the act. Pete, the over-the-top insane manager, was absolutely irate with me when they told him what I did.

At Pete’s order, I had to physically lower myself and squat and apologize to a nine-year-old girl in the middle of the store, as her parents and my boss hovered over me.

She didn’t accept my apology.

Thus, attacking Robbie was out of the question. We needed a strike directly at Dauber himself.

Dauber’s biggest demands were for an employee to get in costume. Getting in costume had its moments; however, at the end of a hot, long day, it wasn’t something anyone particularly wanted to do. Especially if George, the 26-year-old with the tube in the back of his head, was in costume earlier in the day, since you’d go home smelling like a 26-year-old Chuck E. Cheese employee with a tube in the back of his head.

Dauber, once again, demanded someone to get into costume. I gathered the troops in the kitchen. And I told them that I was going to fight back.

I got into costume. I went out on the floor, hugging kids while Dauber and his son watched. I waited. Nick served them their medium pie. And then I made my move.

I sat down with Dauber and Robbie, putting the oversized Chuck E. Cheese boots on the table.

“Wow, Robbie. Look! Chuck E. Cheese came to sit with you, Robbie.”

I then took my feet off the table and stood up. And I pointed my fur-covered finger right in his big, fat face.

“Oh, no. I think he’s here to see me, Robbie.”

I shook my mouse helmet yes, swatting with my paw, swiping his Diet Coke away, spilling it on the floor. Then I grabbed a slice of his pizza and turned it upside down, squashing it on the table and then pointing in his face again.

Nick then came up behind me, with our co-workers in the background. He folded his arms.

“Chuck E. thinks you’re a jerk. You come in here every weekend to boss around teenagers. And Chuck E. thinks you owe us all an apology.”

Dauber paused, said he was sorry, and then left the store.

PART 8

My one goal in the summer of 1996 was to avoid having a TV camera stuck in my face as a reporter frantically asked me: “Don’t you feel responsible for the fact that Little Jenni Myers was forced to live in a subterranean fortress until her head was eventually sawed off and her torso was discovered in luggage dropped out of a speeding windowless van off of I-287 in Far Hills?”

The genesis for this neurosis of mine came from my primary duty as an employee of Chuck E. Cheese — tediously standing at the front of the store behind The Kid Check podium. My duty was to stamp the hands of parent and child with a day-glo number. Upon leaving the store, I would have to check the numbers of the parents and children to ensure no children were being lured to their brutal, prolonged death.

There were several aspects of the Kid Check job which did not work in my favor as I served as “the last wall” against child rape. First, the hand stamp tool we used was this broken piece of crap. Second, I was really high for a decent amount of my Kid Check duties. And third, during my sober moments, I really didn’t care; the existential angst I gained from reading Camus at the workplace had yet to be scrubbed off.

There were only a few hours left in my final day of work. Hopefully, I would leave this job without being charged with an accessory crime.

——————-

Earlier in the day, I gave my last performance as Chuck E. Cheese. I recruited two friends of mine to join me: Mark, who had sex with at least four co-workers, dressed as Jasper T. Jowls, a manchild/dog creation and Nick, who also had sex with as many as three co-workers, dressed as the freakish nightmare named Helen Henny. Nick’s costume looked vaguely like a used HAZMAT suit. In addition to his beak mask, Nick also had to don tight blue spandex bike pants — a comical sight to begin with, but considering he had thighs the size of a small office building due to his years as a mildly talented high school wrestler.

The birthday song began. I, as Chuck E. Cheese, charged out of the dressing room for one last time. And as soon as I did, Jasper T. Jowls struck me from behind with a devastating right paw swoop. I turned to witness Helen Henny kicking Jasper T. Jowls.

The brawl was on.

It lasted for several minutes, all three of us landing solid blows. At one point, I picked up a chair and hit Mark in the back. The fight ended with Mark hit Nick in the beak, thus causing the Helen Henny mask to do a complete 180.

Parents stood by, unsure of what to do. The children and our co-workers celebrated and gave us a rousing ovation.

——————

Only two hours remained in my duties. Once again, I was left at Kid Check. And I absolutely needed to ensure that no child would be kidnapped while I stood at The Last Wall. A child was leaving the store with his mom. I looked at his hand. And then hers. His hand. and then he’s. A panicked look fell on my face.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t let you go. I believe you are kidnapping this child.”

Her mouth dropped. Then I smiled.

“Ma’am… I’m a big kidder! Go on out and have a nice day!”

Immediately behind her was a mother/daughter duo.

looked at the daughter’s hand first. And then the mom’s. Daughter’s. Mom’s. A panicked look fell on my face.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t let you go. I believe you are kidnapping this child.”

She was more annoyed. Then I smiled.

“Ma’am… I’m a big kidder! Go on out and have a nice day!”

I did this for about the next two hours. Then I turned in my uniform.

TONIGHT: Bedtime Stories: An Evening at Applebee’s

Dave Walk — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 18:26:00 +0000

This past December, as previously discussed, local comic Gregg Gethard decided to move his monthly topical sketch/monologue show BEDTIME STORIES away from the Philly Improv Theater and the Shubin. The show has landed at Connie’s Ric Rac on the Italian Market and the next installment is tonight with the theme of “An Evening at Applebee’s”. In addition to the lineup below “there’s actually a bit of a narrative arc with the show, which is something I’ve always wanted to try,” says Gregg. “I think it might end up as a really special night.”

Set to perform are:

Jon Goff
Action Section
Boy Meets Tractor
Little Miss Jamie Fountaine
Secret Pants
Meg and Rob
Chris Cotton and Friends
Animosity Pierre

Here’s the official commercial for the show:

Gregg is a frequent writer to C vs. A and in case you were too busy gettin’ it on, he wrote a Valentine’s Day story last week.

Can’t make it? Rob of the sketch group Meg & Rob will be twittering live (@bonyevitch) with a behind-the-scenes look at the show. Hey, by the way, we’re on Twitter as well (@comicvsaudience).

The show starts at 8PM and $10 will get you in. And it’s BYOB!

VALENTINE’S DAY by Gregg Gethard

Gregg Gethard — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 19:39:00 +0000

Valentine’s Day is a day of love. It’s a day of flowers. It’s a day of candy. It’s a day of Vermont Teddy Bears.

It is also a day that I once ruined for thousands of people.

This happened in 2002. I was a reporter for the Verona-Cedar Grove Times, easily one of the five worst newspapers in the country. (I know what I speak of as I have worked at three of the five worst newspapers in the world.) My main duties consisted of reporting on local school board issues, local real estate issues and other topics that made me vaguely suicidal.

One day, in early February, I received a call from a lady by the name of Bernice. She told me that she had a “pitch” for me as she had a “very important” story.

She had children who went to The Valley Educational Center, a private school for troubled kids from North Jersey. And, for Valentine’s Day, the kids at this school were going to put messages in puffy paint on t-shirts for folks who lived in a nearby nursing home.

Normally, I wouldn’t write about middle school students drawing hearts on t-shirts in puffy paint for a bunch of people waiting to die. But I decided to cover this story anyways. This was done for two primary reasons:

1. These kids were a bunch of juvenile delinquents. It was a collection of arsonists, thieves and rapists. And if there’s one rule I follow in life, it’s this: Always try to hang out with a group of pre-teen arsonists, thieves and rapists. Paricularly if there’s puffy paint involved.

2. This newspaper was a complete and total piece of shit. I covered stories way more retarded than this one. Earlier in my tenure at this paper, I wrote an article about a guy who grew a really big zucchini in his garden. It was the main story on the front page.

I went to the school, where I met Joel, the school’s executive principal and Robb, the school’s head principal. I have no clue what the difference between these two job titles exactly was. The only difference between them was Robb’s hair, which was straight out of the Jeff Ament collection.

“What you are doing for these kids… it’s just awesome and amazing. I mean, these kids have nothing positive in their lives at all,” Robb said. “So, for what you’re doing, we’re going to love you forever. After this article is written, we’re going to frame it for you.”

I told them that they didn’t have to do it. After all, I was a journalist, and I wasn’t allowed to accept gifts from people I was writing about. (However, I would have accepted the following: food, sporting event tickets, free passes to Loews’ cinema, free passes for Blockbuster videos, light drugs, a job reference, cash, and a new car, preferably a Lexus.)

Robb then told me that his brother was a reporter for the U.S. News and World Report. “He really misses writing these types of stories,” he said. “You know, the articles where you can really impact someone’s life.” I’m pretty sure his brother didn’t miss these types of stories. And I’m definitely sure he didn’t miss the $9.75 per hour wage.

Robb then asked me not to write anything that would “cause further harm” to these kids. I told him I would try my best not to, but that I would be writing down what Robb told me. He continued to talk about how fucked up these kids were.

“They’ve been damaged by life,” he said.

Finally, we made it to the art room. And there, as expected, were a bunch of messed up looking middle school kids – 8th graders with mustaches and/or wearing halter tops — putting puffy paint on t-shirts. I wish I could be more descriptive than that. But that’s all it was.

I went back to work and wrote this article. It could not have been easier. It’s a story that tells itself. Messed up kids who are “damaged by life” put puffy paint on t-shirts for elderly people. I finished the job and went on with my life.

Two days article, our paper came out. My boss, Milo, called me into his office.

“It’s that guy Robb from the school,” he said. “He’s on the phone. He’s crying.”

I blinked.

“What, is he crying tears of joy?”

“No, he’s pissed as shit.”

I picked up Milo’s phone.

“Hello?” I asked.

“You are a fucking asshole,” he said.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You are a fucking piece of shit.”

I asked him what his problem was. He continued to flip out on me.

“Everything in here is a misquote. We went over the rules. I didn’t want you to run anything that could hurt these kids,” he told me.

“I wrote down what you told me,” I said. “Plus, there’s not anything in there which could hurt anyone.”

“DAMAGED BY LIFE! YOU WROTE THAT THESE KIDS WERE DAMAGED BY LIFE!”

“Because that’s what you–”

“Do you know what you did by writing that? DO YOU?”

“No. Please tell me.”

“YOU RUINED VALENTINE’S DAY FOR THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES IN NORTH JERSEY. THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES. ALL OF WHOM WANTED TO READ THIS STORY. AND YOU RUINED VALENTINE’S DAY FOR THESE PEOPLE.”

Rob and I eventually parted ways, but not before this granola-head cursed at me a few more times.

So, if you’re one the people whose Valentine’s Day I ruined all those years ago, I’m sorry. However, if you’re one of the kids I wrote about in the article, you’re probably in jail anyways.

Gregg Gethard is a Philadelphia writer and comedian. His monthly comedy show BEDTIME STORIES is next Wednesday the 18th at Connie’s Ric Rac (1132 S. 9th) at 8PM.

THIS WEEK: PHIT at the Shubin Theatre

Dave Walk — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:55:00 +0000

It’s time again for the Philly Improv Theater’s week at the Shubin Theatre (407 Bainbridge St). The week actually kicked off Monday with our show, but the meat of the week is still yet to come. It promises to be an interesting week with a film screening, state of the organization address and comedians from New York City and Chicago.

Tuesday, December 2
8 p.m. – The State of PHIT: As the year closes upon us, it’s time for the Philly Improv Theater to reflect on the accomplishments of 2008 and look forward to another great year of comedy. Thus the State of PHIT presentation with Artistic Director Alexis Simpson discussing the future content-wise, Founder Greg Maughan going over performer compensation and light snacks! EVERYONE is welcome to attend. You can read more about it here.

Wednesday, December 3
8 p.m. – Bedtime Stories: RICH PEOPLE, $10. Host Gregg Gethard presents the very last night of Bedtime Stories sketch, stories and other stuff at the Shubin Theatre.

10 p.m. – Why Am I Not Famous?!?: A Comedy Talk Show w/ Kent Haines, $5. Kent welcomes comedians sketch comedians Animosity Pierre and stand-up Brendan Kennedy.

Thursday, December 4
8 p.m. – The Throng & The Sketchy Players, $5. PHIT house team The Sketchy Players are joined by Haverford College’s longform improv team The Throng.

10 p.m. – CAGEMATCH: Activity Book vs. reigning champ Illegal Refill. $5. CAGEMATCH pits two groups against each other for 25-minute sets that can only use one audience suggestion. The audience decides the winner by secret ballot.

Friday, December 5
8 p.m. – The Dave Hill Explosion, $10. He’s back! NYC’s Dave Hill brings his explosion to explode all over your exploded lap. Expect awesome explosions, guests and maybe music.

10 p.m. – Omelet with Cubed, $10. Chicago improv duo Omelet performs with local favorites Cubed.

Saturday, December 6
8 p.m. – Omelet with Cubed, $10.
10 p.m. – The Dave Hill Explosion, $10.

Sunday, December 7
3 & 7 p.m. – Film Screening: GOLD, $10. A strange relic of the 1960s counter-culture, featuring improv-guru Del Close, this movie shows what happens when hippies get their hands on a camera and waaay to much acid. A short Q&A with the people responsible for restoring the film will follow each screening.

LOCAL COMEDY NEWS: Bedtime Stories leaving the Shubin Theatre

Dave Walk — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:53:00 +0000

Folks, sometimes good things have to come to an end. And it with this in mind that we report that the monthly topical sketch/monologue show BEDTIME STORIES hosted by Gregg Gethard will no longer be seen at the Shubin Theatre after this Wednesday’s show.

The reason for the departure is a positive one, however, as the show has simply outgrown the 50 or so seats of the Shubin. Over the past two years, Gethard’s show has grown from an audience of just a few to a packed house. “I can’t believe how the show has grown over the past two years,” says Gregg. “It is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not used to success (aside from marrying the coolest girl in the world) so the show taking off the way it has is so incredibly special to me.”

“I just want to give a shout out to Greg Maughan and Alexis Simpson, the driving forces behind PHIT,” Greg continues. “They both do an outstanding job with PHIT, which really has become, in my opinion, the center of the Philly alt-comedy community. But we all agree that it’s best the show moves forward.”

The plan is to setup the show at the recently re-opened Connie’s Ric Rac on the Italian Market which is already the host of Corey Cohen’s Steal This Show. If everything goes as planned, the first show will be in February with the topic of “An Evening At Applebee’s”.

In the meantime, be sure to check out the Bedtime Stories topic of “Rich People” this Wednesday at the Shubin Theatre, 8PM.