The Top Five Bits By Philly Comics Of 2009 by Luke Giordano

5. AARON HERTZOG’S “SCIENCE TEACHER”

This bit is the summation of what Aaron Hertzog is onstage. It includes a fundamental misunderstanding of the opposite sex, the sexualization of food, the self-realization of his own absurd behavior, and not least of all, funny noises. This bit is so steeped in adolescent fantasy that Aaron actually uses pornographic movies as the logical basis for his assumption that his presumably middle aged science teacher wants to have sex with him as well as a justification for her insistence that he barter the answers to a 9th grade science test for sexual favors. And Aaron never really says that he thinks any of this is a bad idea. You even get a sense that porn is the ONLY point of reference for him from this bit. The very notion of all this would be ridiculous and absurd to the point of criminal if it didn’t make absolute sense from a male viewpoint. OF COURSE he should have made those two girls suck his dick for letting them cheat off his science test. OF COURSE his post-menopausal science teacher wanted to teach him the ways of lovemaking and usher him into manhood. Why wouldn’t she? But Aaron seals off the absurdity of the bit with an exasperated, “I’m a fucking idiot” at the end, acknowledging the reality after two minutes of fantasy, bringing us back down to Earth.

Also, he wiggles around and says “yum yum yum.”

4. DOOGIE HORNER’S “GENTLEMANLY CUSTOMS” / “EAGLES”

These bits really showcase the two different sides of Doogie’s style of comedy. In the first bit, he rips the carpet out from under the concepts of chivalry and gentlemanly sacrifice by sneaking up behind us rather than with a direct assault of. He uses examples in an extended flight of fancy to show us why these accepted practices are stupid rather than simply telling us that they are stupid. And as with a lot of Doogie’s longer bits, the comedy’s all in the precision and the details. He builds the scenario he’s created to a rapid fire climax and cuts the whole thing down with a bit of appropriate non-sequitur smut.

The Eagles bit is just a great short joke. And it instills the audience with a great visual — the mighty majestic eagle, that symbol of power, engaged in what has to be very awkward bird sex.

3. DAVID RAY’S “HOLOCAUST”

David Ray came out of nowhere this year and this simple, short punch to the balls of a joke was all anyone on the scene could talk about for the whole month of June. It’s hard to imagine someone rising higher and faster than he did this summer and this joke stood out among the rest, though all very good. He uses sexual frustration by initially painting a picture of a first time gone wrong and then throws us a curve ball of Holocaust denial that has gotten more consistent cheers for a single joke than I can recall otherwise.

2. KENT HAINES’ “ENGAGEMENT STORY”

This bit was the culmination of Kent’s wealth of material on his relationship with his longtime girlfriend, (and now fiancee). The theme of arrested development in relation to his dealings with his girlfriend is dominant in throughout his act and it all comes to a head with this bit. He has to come to terms with the fact that he’s going to marry this girl but even in this process he can’t help but feel inadequate as his eager girlfriend tells him the mother of all proposal stories that happened to one of her girlfriends (she obviously wanting something similar from him) to the point that he is filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and panic. The subtext of much of Kent’s act — and important subtext that surely ultimately led to his appearance on television — is that he does love his girlfriend and does want to get married and start a family with her someday, but there’s something inside of him that really would rather stay in and play Nintendo forever. He’s tapped into the zeitgeist of men in their early twenties who aren’t quite ready to go all in, as well as their girlfriends who might be pushing them a bit too hard.

1. ANTON SHUFORD “BASEBALL”

What other bit than this one could be number one? This is just a great fucking story. One with twists and turns and surprises. One that builds and builds and never lets up for a second. This is a joke that makes you side with and ever cheer on a guy who does so many things that are thoroughly reprehensible, and who does them one right after the other, and on top of all that, uses shaky (at best) logic to defend himself, but still, Anton is so charismatic, convicted, likable, and such a gifted storyteller that not for a second are you disgusted with him or siding with the disabled child who is victim of his selfishness. He sweeps you up right from the get-go and doesn’t let you down until he’s done with you. And at that point, you’ve been laughing and applauding for the past five minutes so you don’t even have the time, the want, or the need to ask any moral questions on what has just happened. It has to be said, this bit really is a masterstroke.

Meg Favreau of Meg & Rob

1.) Alli Soowol as Kitten

Everyone who I perform with in the Real Housewives of Philadelphia is
so incredibly talented and funny and good, so I hope the other ladies
aren’t offended that I’m giving a special shout out to Alli’s
character. Kitten is a weird-talking, rhinestone-wearing, possibly
mentally deficient woman-child who doles out sage advice and wraps up
story lines at just the right time, and I’m in awe of her.

2.) Bedtime Stories

This is a cop out. Oh, I love Bedtime Stories, but picking it allows
me to include the following things in one item: Secret Pants’ prom in
three minutes, Jon Goff’s PowerPoint presentations, and the utter joy
that is the Greggulator.

3.) Roger Snair’s Script at Guilty Pleasures

I was there for the first performance of this, the one when the
Phillies were playing and almost no one showed up. But oh my god,
what a strange, amazing script and performance. Numerous times the
performers broke down in the middle of their sentences because they
were laughing too damn hard.

4.) Sketch Up or Shut Up

This is a sketch-comedy open mic I started earlier this year. I know
that picking a show I host for my top five list is kind of lame, but
it’s also been the location of some of the best and weirdest stuff
I’ve seen this year, like Dave Walk and Aaron Hertzog’s call-in show
and Brian Kelly and Paul Triggiani singing product jingles by request
to the tunes of popular songs. And all of the performers and audience
members have been so supportive and friendly.

5.) John Kensil’s Video for Chip’s Moon Contest

If I am laughing and constantly asking “What?” during something, that
usually means I love it. Filming NASA interviews in the backyard in
front of tomato plants? What? Amazing. I am also including this
video on this list in hopes that it will spur John to put the thing
online. JOHN. PUT THE THING ONLINE.

PS – That whole moon show was great. Brendan Kennedy in the Iron Man outfit? Aaron Hertzog and Luke Giordano’s moon party thing? All so good.

Bryce Remsburg of Secret Pants

1. Jon Goff

-This dude is a genius. Seriously. I have never seen him do anything but kill an audience. He is consistently the highlight of Bedtime Stories. One specific show doesn’t stick out, because they are all so amazing. He has taken something so simple as a powerpoint presentation, and makes it hilarious every time. Not to mention he makes a fine Roller derby play-by-play announcer and a fine Terrordome host.

2. Kent Haines on Comedy Central

-While the thought of doing stand up comedy petrifies me, this was a feeling of community accomplishment. A guy that is one of us fledgling Philly comedians (for now) was on TV! Paul F. Tompkins introduced him! His name was spelled correctly in my DVR! His American Apparel shirt didn’t fit right! Also, I miss “Why Am I Not Famous?” greatly, the Rowan and Hastings swansong was a special evening.

3. Greggulator at Philly’s Phunniest

-I was laughing to the point of tears during this entire performance. He gets baby powder in some unsuspecting patron’s drink. He shoots a t-shirt into the audience with a homemade slingshot at Helium. The confused silence following some of his jokes. I haven’t just been capitalizing He because it appears at the beginning of the sentence. He is a God to me, the closest thing we have to our own Andy Kaufman.

4. Ascension: Gutierrez

-The Chicago Cubs loss is Philadelphia comedy’s gain. I consider myself lucky to have been present for his rookie year here. He adapts to any situation, be it Johnny Goodtimes’ backyard, the Trocadero mainstage, singing at the Shubin, or giving advice at the Khyber (which led to him being punched in the testicles by Meg Favreau). If you have not experienced Fastball Pitcher Bob Guiterrez live, do yourself a favor.

5. Meg Favreau and Rob Baniewicz

-I’m not referring to their little comedy troupe here, but them as people. I cannot imagine our “scene” without them. They make any show better, be it performing or spectating, and are so incredibly positive, and supportive of everything. I may literally smile when I see them somewhere. Sketch Up or Shut Up is a fantastic, widely untapped idea. I’m so glad they like me.

Dave Terruso’s (Animosity Pierre) Top Five Lines From Philly Comedy (in no particular order and without context)

Last night was awesome.

It was one of those nights that reminded me why I love performing comedy so much. The guys from Camp Woods, this new sketch group who have burst upon the local comedy scene with the fiery intensity of 100 fireballs, have started up a show at the Starlight Ballroom. For those not in the know, the Starlight Ballroom is a really big local music venue that is usually home to decent sized indie bands touring through the area. Having a show at this place is huge for the Philly comedy scene.

I was lucky enough to be invited to perform at their debut show on Thursday. And I think I did a really good job and took away a lot of things to do in the future wherever I play.

The crowd was about 20 people. It felt smaller than that because of the size of the venue, but this was actually a pretty good turnout for a debuting show the night after Philly went crazy because of the Phillies clinching a World Series berth. They were all young hipster-ish kids; I don’t think anyone was over the age of 25. It’s been a while since I performed at a “real” show in front of a crowd that’s more in tune with my own sensibilities, which I thought would be a great compare/contrast from performing in front of more older, adult suburban audiences.

I went on second. The opening act put on a great set and was terrific. I went on stage carrying my props (which is a weird thing to admit to saying in a public forum) in a big plastic bag like I was a homeless guy who thought he was Santa Clause.

The Starlight has a giant stage and also a wireless microphone. This provided difficult when I did my baby powder bit since there was no mic stand. I somehow managed to pour my baby powder in my hand while holding the microphone against my chest to introduce myself. This was a little hard to do and probably looked incredibly awkward and bizarre on stage. But it was the only thing I could think of. From now on, I’m going to always check to see if there’s a mic stand or not in order to figure out a better way to handle this if it occurs again.

But I loved having a wireless mic and a giant stage. I love to move around a lot, which I definitely did. It also allowed me to go into the crowd, which I absolutely love doing. I have a joke where I compliment the eyes of various audience members. I haven’t done it in a while but I broke it out last night since I could get into the crowd. I’ve done this bit at the one other time I had a wireless mic and it worked really well. But other times, when I have a corded mic, it hasn’t gone over. I think making it really personal and getting physically near audience members when I deliver this really makes it work.

After that, the next thing I remember doing was my BoyzTown (a fictional boy band I belonged to in the late 90s) song. I started this on stage but went back into the crowd. This is because I saw an audience member wearing a fedora-style hat. I did the BoyzTown bit in Philly’s Phunniest Contest over the summer and saw a guy with a similar hat. I took it from him and wore it for a little bit before throwing it back at him. That really got over well. So I always look to see now if an audience member has a hat within distance for me to steal. I took this guy’s hat, wore it for a second and then threw it to the other side of the room towards a garbage can. I was trying to get it into the garbage can but the hat hooked left.

Also during the song, I started to crawl and writhe on the floor like some backup dancer in a Lady Gaga video. This also had a good response and I’m going to keep doing that whenever I do the BoyzTown stuff.

I also did the hypnosis bit once again. I used my “hypnosis sock” which I’m going to keep using from now on, since it’s funny to stick a dirty sock into the face of an audience member. This time, he ordered me to do jumping jacks, which I obediently did. I was kind of kicking myself right after I did the jumping jacks. I did them at normal speed; I think it would be more successful if I did the order with 150% commitment and with some manic energy. Another thing to keep in mind next time I get up on stage. I also used the Altoids afterwards but spit them out. I also did the sign of the cross and pointed to the sky while doing this, which I did impromptu. It’s another thing to I’m going to keep doing in the future.

I ended my set with the slingshot. I had two audience members on stage with me to hold the ends of the slingshot. I then fired my hypnosis sock into the crowd. It barely fell off the stage, which was a great visual gag to end the set.

It was definitely one of the best sets I’ve ever done. However, there were three problems:

1. I completely whiffed on doing the “Before I begin my set…” introduction. I got caught up in the moment and blanked on it. It hit me towards the end of the act that I forgot to do it. If I remembered, it would have really gotten over and tied everything up in a neat little package.
2. I have a hard time remembering the order of my set. I rely on my notes in order to keep doing it. However, I left the stool way behind me so logistically it was hard for me to get to. It was very awkward. And it also led directly to problem three.
3. I forgot about the veteran’s bit. But I saw my American flag on stage and remembered. I held the American flag and said something like, “I love this country, but I hate veterans!” This got a good response and I decided to try out the rest of the joke. However, I completely whiffed on it and botched it. I can’t break this out at a real show until I work it out practicing or at an open mic some more.

Overall, this was a great week of shows for me. Here’s what I got from the week and learned:

1. Even though my stuff is definitely bizarre, I shouldn’t be afraid to try it out in front of an older, more “normal” crowd. It’s worked two times already. People who pay money to go to comedy shows are there to laugh. Playing to that without dumbing down anything I do (not that what I do isn’t dumb already) is something I have to keep doing consistently. Even more mainstream crowds like absurd/bizarre stuff.

2. One of my strengths is to move around on stage. Not too many people in the local scene move around. It helps me stand out and look different if I bring my natural manic tendencies with me on the stage and use that physically. Before every show, if there’s a corded mic, I’m going to test out exactly how far I can go off-stage with it. I’m going to mark the furthest spot I can get to (maybe bring some masking tape and place it on the floor like you’d do in a play) and try and work to that location. I want to keep a frenetic “madman” pace on stage from now on. But, at the same time, I also have to time stuff out properly to give the audience some breathing room.

3. If the microphone and stage limit what I can do physically, I’m going to try and do stuff without a microphone. I have an annoyingly loud natural speaking voice, especially when I’m excited. If the room is small enough, they’ll be able to hear me without any problem. It might also add to the absurdity that I want my act to have. Then again, it might not work at all. So we’ll see.

4. Definitely keep some of the things I discovered this week, especially the crawling dance I did during BoyzTown.

5. Remember my set-list. I’m just going to have to try and memorize it before I get on stage. And, at some point, I’m just going to have to wing it without my notes.

What also made this show fun was how great everyone who performed was. Joey Dougherty (who just graduated high school but has been doing shows for a while now) was a great opener. He did some stuff I haven’t heard from him yet that was absolutely great.

Brendan Kennedy went after me and delivered the best set I’ve ever heard from him. He literally had people crying in the crowd. What really sold it was that he looked like he wasn’t performing at all; he was having a conversation with the crowd, which is what everyone who does his style should strive for. Doogie Horner’s one of the best comics in Philly and is just consistently awesome; at this point, he’s more-or-less a professional and hits every single time.

Headlining was Aaron Hertzog, who hit an absolute grand slam. I think that Aaron’s improved more than anyone in the time I’ve been doing comedy. His stuff is now really tight and delivered very comfortably. I think he’s joined the group of comics that are considered the best in Philly. I’m very proud of him.

This night reminded me of just how much fun it is to perform and why I love doing this so much.

Brendan Kennedy’s “Guilty Pleasures” show at the Shubin Theatre (presented by PHIT) is a celebration of bad screenplays that should never, ever be performed. Each month, Brendan collects these horrible works of art and invites a few of his comedian friends to read them on stage for the audiences’ amusement. This time on the stage was (from left to right in the photos) Monroe Martin, Kent Haines, Roger C. Snair, Doogie Horner and Danny Ozark. Roger is a regular and almost co-host to the show that plays a role in each of the scripts. With a unique sense of delivery and timing and the ability to do ridiculous voices, he’s a crowd favorite that can make any terrible line of dialogue funny in some way.

But first, Meg Favreau, a self-proclaimed collector of old books, read some poetry from The Complete Book of Showers and Engagement Parties, which was as weird and awkward as it sounds. The main poem was a multi-page list of things that one friend wished upon her other friend. Basically, it included every place, person and thing that may bring joy to that person’s life. To close it out, Meg wondered what it must have been like for the person to listen to someone else read the poem to them. Yikes.

Next were the dramatic readings of crappy screenplays. First, “Trinity Rises” by D. M. Bocaz-Larson. Brendan said you can learn more about Mr. Bocaz-Larson by googling “free drama” (sure enough, it works) where, Brendan says, “you will see him in a viking hat and won’t feel sorry for him.” The story revolves around a dying old man and his granddaughter Trinity, a recent college student that doesn’t know what to do with her life. As the old man dies (spoiler alert), Trinity realizes that she needs to use his land for biofuel after receiving a brochure from her father (it’s one of the two scenes where a brochure is handed to someone). Roger played the part of Trinity, naturally, in a high pitched voice that was not believable, but yet funny.

The last piece of the night was written by Roger C. Snair himself. Although the show is about celebrating and laughing at horrible works of fiction, Roger wrote his play, “Fructose” exclusively for the night. And it did not disappoint. The play from start to finish was an extremely graphic homosexual romance including over 20 characters with names such as Guy Touchman, Long John Dongan, Dick Woodcock and Gaston Proctor. There was stage direction like “this scene is performed passionately, emotionally, longingly, yearingly” and there were at least three monologues written in rhyme. I don’t want to give away more because, due to a small attendance, Brendan said he would be putting on the reading again at next month’s show. Don’t miss it.

You can check out more Philadelphia comedy photos at our Flickr page, which now has a Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike Creative Commons license. Basically you can use the photos as long as you credit Comicvsaudience.com and don’t make any money off of them.

Brendan Kennedy (profile) at the special moon installment of Chip Chantry’s One-Man Show w/ Special Guests in July.

Here’s top secret footage from last month’s rap battle:

The Comic Vs. Audience Comedy Show
Thursday, May 28th
8PM
at Under Saint Mark’s (94 St. Mark’s Place, btwn. 1st Ave. and Ave. A) [directions]
$10

Featuring:

Aaron Hertzog
Brendan Kennedy
Doogie Horner

with host Dave Walk

There was no C vs. A Radio Hour this week, but we had to share this clip that would’ve aired if there was a show. Stand-up comic and funny guy BRENDAN KENNEDY joined host Dave Walk in the studio to share some “Wacky News” that’s been in the news lately. It was a fun time and as Brendan always says: “wocka wocka!”

Subscribe to the podcast feed (iTunes)

If this doesn’t directly take you to iTunes, copy and paste http://feeds.feedburner.com/cvsa_podcast_feed into iTunes through Advanced – Subscribe to Podcast…)

(Feel free to write a review in iTunes!)

Subscribe to the podcast feed (in another podcast reader)

Listen to this episode (4:11):

Download this episode (as a .mp3)

Brendan will be performing stand-up tonight at Studio Luloo (916 White Horse Pike, Oaklyn, NJ) and he’ll be defending his Omniana title at the Ministry of Secret Jokes on May 27th.

Music by:

Wednesday, April 8th
8 p.m. – Why Am I Not Famous?!?: A Comedy Talk Show w/ Kent Haines, $5. This month Philly’s only comedy talk show welcomes Phliadelphia comedians Meg Favreau and Steve “The Iceman” Gerben. According to Kent: “Steve is the 2007 winner of the Philly’s Phunniest contest that I won last summer, which means that I am technically one year funnier than he is. But actually he is much more hilarious than I am, and my sole goal that evening is to give him a nervous breakdown with my intense Frost/Nixon style interrogation. Should be fun!”

10 p.m. – Guilty Pleasures w/ Brendan Kennedy, $5. Bringing you the best in awful scripts, acted out for you on stage. This month Chris Cotton, Roger C. Snair, Luke Giordano, and Alan Piket will perform a rejected spec script for the CBS hit sitcom Two and a Half Men. Listen to Brendan talk about the show on the C vs. A Radio Hour.

Thursday, April 9th
8 p.m. – Improv Comedy, PhD: Every Thursday the theater pairs up “today’s comedy over-achievers and tomorrow’s comedy legends.” This month: Lehigh University with PHIT house team Activity Book.

10 p.m. – Cagematch: Whoever has the guts to go up against reigning champs Angry People Building Things, $5. CAGEMATCH pits two groups against each other for 25-minute sets that can only use one audience suggestion. The audience decides the winner by secret ballot.

Friday, April 10th
8 p.m. – Rare Bird Show + The Action Section presents: Life, $10. Improv trio Rare Bird Show opens for sketch group The Action Section performing an all new show since their Halloween weekend. According to member Joe Gribbin: “It’s about life, death, and the creamy filling between.”

10 p.m. – Kevin Allison: F*** Up, $15. Writer and performed of the cult 90s MTV sketch show The State. “F*** Up” is Allison’s one man show of outrageous character sketches. Hilarious, touching and always surprising, the show is a date with passionate dreamers and lovable daredevils who work their hearts out, only to land in the dirt. The characters include: Ron, a closeted Southern aerobics instructor; Ira, a 90-year-old Jewish comedian who botched his career in vaudeville; Fleming, an alcoholic thespian; and others. PROGRAMMING NOTE: Kevin Allison will be on the C vs. A Radio Hour this Thursday.

Saturday, April 11th
8 p.m. – Rare Bird Show + The Action Section presents: Life, $10.

10 p.m. – Kevin Allison: F*** Up, $15.

Sunday, April 12th
7 p.m. – Kevin Allison: F*** Up, $15.